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8th January 2012
Club has a budding poet writer see his latest entry
A festive rhyme to the tune of Frosty the Snowman
Boozer the Snowman was a very happy soul, with buckled shoes and a cardigan he looked just like a mole.
Boozer the Snowman is a fairy tale they say, he fell down the slope got covered in snow and landed in the hay.
There must have been some magic in that old gluvine they found, they poured it down his throat and he started to dance around. O ...
Boozer the Snowman was as happy as could be, and the children say he could laugh and play just the same as Dan and Ollie,
Thumpety thump thump thumpety thump thump look at Boozer go, Thumpety thump thump thumpety thump thump face first in the snow. O...
Boozer the Snowman, knew the slopes were steep that way, so he begged and pleaded for Sandie not to push him down, but she did it anyway.
Matt and his girlfriend had to jump out of the way, as Boozer slipped and fell causing an avalanche that day.
He fell to the bottom where the medics picked him up, only pausing once or twice to fill up his cup.
For Boozer the Snowman had to hurry on his way, but he waved goodbye to the ski resort as they prayed he'd stay away.
Thumpety thump thump thumpety thump thump look at Boozer go, Thumpety thump thump thumpety thump thump face first in the snow.
8th January 2012
Chairmans 2012 Olympic hopes dashed
2012 is hopefully going to be a good year for Pembury Football Club, and with the excitement of the Olympics coming to the UK the whole country is gearing up for a massive summer of sport.
Not to be outdone and unbeknown to a lot of you our very own chairman and cardigan loving Sunday reserve team manager Andy Rice-Tucker has decided to get in on the act. The challenge was finding a sport that would fit his physical prowess.
Many sports were considered, firstly the 100m sprint. After hearing that Usain Bolt eats chicken nuggets as his pre race meal Boozer thought this would be the perfect event for him unfortunately he couldn't stop eating them long enough to run.
Next up was the 4x100m relay, this soon was discounted as finding 3 friends to fill the team became impossible after Phil "The Rottweiler" Craxton, Mark "Chili Sauce "Files and the heir to the throne Matt "Keegan" Rice-Tucker turned him down, Boozer had no one else to ask.
So he thought he would try his hand at The Hammer, but Sandie said he should leave his hammer in the tool box after his last attempt at DIY. With time and events running out, a brain wave hit - the perfect solution!
As a young man who inspired him the most at an Olympic event, no not Steve Redgrave, no not Linford Christie but the one and only ... Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards. With the thoughts of his hero in mind, Boozer decided it was time to put his plan into action.
No amount of argument from Sandie would change his mind, not even the quite useful fact that ski jumping was a WINTER Olympic event - our leader and chairman had his sight set on the gold medal. After one impressive dry slope training session, where he was able to stay on his feet for a whole 5 yards, he knew it was time to test his skills on the real stuff .
On an early January morning, the Rice-Tuckers set sail for France and the ski resort of ... after what I hear was a heavy dump there(!!) the first morning the slopes were particularly treacherous but after all his training and with the Olympic spirit running through his veins he was ready to take on the deadly blue slope, that some have described as "not as steep as Boozers back garden" and "suitable for kids and incompetent skiers". With not an ounce of fear our chairman declared to all that were present "by the end of the week I will have conquered this run". But our chairman is made of sterner stuff and within an hour of being on the slopes had conquered the mighty run and was at the bottom!
Unfortunately this was due to him having fallen arse over tit, busted his knee and ended up looking like a snowman. The medical team were called and he was taken down the hill on the emergency sledge and his olympic dream was over. Stick to growing hops was the shout, still our chairman has 4 years to train for his next event
5th January 2012
Chairman takes a tumble
I'm sure you are all aware that our esteemed Chairman (AKA Boozer) is away on a sking holiday.
Sadly over the bar has been sent information that Boozer has had an accident and has hurt his knee. He now has the hobble wobbles.
Mr Chairman the only thing we can say is "IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT DONT GO ON THE PISSt"
5th January 2012
Hitler learns of Gents Exploits!
19th November 2011
Sunday Secretarys Sunday Stalker
With winter taking its grip on West Kent recently it was no surprise to find several games postponed in the local area. Woodside saw no action on Saturday or Sunday which meant the Sunday Reserve team game was off and therefore some players were asked if they could support the first team who can't seem to name the same 11 in any two consecutive weekends. Those thriving some Sunday morning action with the first team were Sammy Balcombe and Tom Lowe who had both turned out for them already this season. Joining them was the unassuming Rob Curd who first team joint manager Mark Lester had seen in reserve team action and had this to say about him "ah yes, young Curd... a player with potential for sure, a good work ethic with the ability to produce something from the top draw when you're least expecting it - a dangerous type of player for any opposition".
The first team were playing at Colebrook recreational ground which until this season had not featured in division one so it was an alien destination for many players. Indeed the home team there, Robin Hood, were still using the top pitch (a term used loosely even in the world of Sunday league football) with rumours flying round that the council forgot to mark out the lower pitch and put the goal posts up.
After a few Saturday night drinks at local watering hole - The Black Horse - Sunday secretary, Phil 'the rottweiler' Craxton, made his regular Sunday morning stroll up the High Street to collect his car which any responsible patron has to do when drinking at The Black as cars are suitable
Phil proceeded to collect his paper from the local newsagent and make his way home to catch up on the umpteenth rule changes in F1 in preparation for next years sports quiz, all fairly normal occurences but this time the rottweiler had some form of sixth sense and thought someone was following him! So when he pulled up outside his house he jumped out of his car and into the road in front of a white van which he suspected was following him. The white van slammed its brakes on and even before it had come to a stand still Phil was already at the drivers window waiting to challenge said WVM (White Van Man). As the window came down a familiar face was revealed but still Craxton barked "What are you doing following me? Are you some sort of Sunday Stalker?!" to which the young reserve teamer Curd replied "Sorry sir, I thought you were going to where the first team were playing as I don't know the way - I did think it a bit strange when you turned into a no through road when we weren't even out of Pembury!"
Phil scoffed in his face, spun on his heals and marched off muttering something about playing each team 4 times, bloody kids and lack of local geographical knowledge.
Curd then phoned Lester to find out where he was supposed to be going and it just so happened Lester was passing the entrance to said no through road. The desperate Curd dumped his van and jumped in with Lester and passenger Balcombe only to remember that he'd left his boots and shin pads back home in Yalding - another thing to add to Craxton's mummerings...
23rd November 2011
Sports Quiz Is Strictly A Marathon For Pembury Manager
It’s been a while since Liam Gent, aka Partridge, has bothered the news desk at Over The Bar but his exploits following the clubs recent Sports Quiz has alerted both the clubs executive committee and the selection panels for both Strictly Come Dancing and the 2012 Olympics. The club had naturally assumed that the new found property magnate was taking his move into management seriously and was beginning to lead his troops by example. A spokesman for the club indicated that they believed his playboy days were firmly behind him following his recent engagement, subject to pre-nuptial agreement, and his investment in a marital home. However, his antics a few Fridays ago have brought the playboy concerns back into question. His love for the theatre and exclusive city bars was well known but with his wooing of the ladies now firmly behind him it was thought that quiet nights in with the wife, cocoa and slippers deliberating team tactics and nursing his hamstrings had become the norm.
Following a respectable performance at the quiz, Partridge was late that evening spotted by our man on the street in the Pitcher and Piano. Our reporter initially thought that there was a local Strictly Come Dancing competition going on as Partridge appeared to be shimmying and chasseing his way across the bar. When he then produced a beautiful two shoe shuffle and side step whilst grabbing his partner by the arm in a beautifully executed reverse turn our reporter expected full marks from the judges.
Unfortunately the moves undertaken were not dance moves but purely a drunken stagger and the huge strapping body that Partridge had attached himself to was not a dancer but unfortunately an inquisitive bouncer who swiftly proceeded to waltz him out of the door in a headlock.
If that was not embarrassment enough Partridge then decided to run the marathon journey home. Anyone having witnessed Partridge’s balance in front of goal without half a shandy in him will not be surprised by the outcome of this decision. Normally in a marathon you hit wall after about 20 miles, needless to say Partridge hit the floor within 20 yards injuring his elbow in the process. Unable to get back to his feet Partridge was in trouble. Fortunately, just like the St. Johns Ambulance support in the London marathon, the Tunbridge Wells late night marathon has a pastoral street support unit and they managed to get him to a bench nearby where he promptly threw up. Now some what lighter and with sufficient rest the pastors thought that Partridge would be able to complete the course home. All that was needed was for him in true marathon tradition to take on some water. This he did and this he promptly threw back up again. Despite impressing for the first 20 yards his marathon was now most certainly over and the pastors donned him the legendary foil cape in recognition of the fact that he had tried but that the dream had ended. Luckily Crash Bang was on hand to record the feat and ensure he was safely returned to the wife.
Very fetching and the first sighting of a Partridge dressed as a Turkey - very dangerous this time of the year!
For those who question this as a first sighting - Partridge being a Cock (agreed as a regular occurrence) is not the same as a Partridge being dressed as a Turkey.
22nd August 2011
CLUB STUNNED BY SHOCK RESIGNATION
Over The Bar was left shocked, bewildered and devastated when the Chairman recently announced that club doctor, physio and all round handyman Dan Manktelow had left the club to join local rivals Rusthall. The Chairman said he had received confirmation by text from Dan a week or two ago that he had signed for Rusthall.
Officials had secretly been concerned for some time that Dan’s devotion to the club was beginning to wane. It had started a couple of years ago when he mysteriously retired from his Sunday duties to take up step classes. This was, however, accepted as an opportunity to improve his fitness for the big Saturday games and the new streamline physique was clearly evident last season when the searing burst of pace to heal the wounded or retrieve the ball in record time was noted by the vast Woodside crowds. The increase in the number of games missed through weekends away was though becoming increasingly apparent to a disgruntled Rotweiler but these concerns were dismissed as necessary breaks to re-charge the batteries and alleviate the pressure that comes from running a local supermarket, editing The Lancet and investing in fund raising ventures.
The cynics within the club were not surprised by Dan’s decision and have said that our failure to renew his Kent County League jumper and club tracksuit was always going to play into Rusthall’s hands and that the lure of a new green outfit was likely to be too strong.
What more could we have done to keep him? Genty said he always spoke to him as posh as one could. The Rotweiler refrained from shouting at him as best he could. We even tried to recruit Paula to take the warm up. But to no avail.
Just how long the Rusthall faithful will put up with never winning another raffle or clubman of the year trophy remains to be seen.
On a positive note Dan left the door open for a return by announcing in his resignation text that he’ll be back should it not work out.
Dan, good luck - you’re a legend!!!!!!!
AGM Sunday 3rd July 2011
Following the start of training on Sunday, the AGM of the club took place at The Black Horse.
Following the post season reports from last seasons’ club officials, the constitution of the club for the new season was agreed unanimously as:
Chairman - Andy Rice-Tucker
Vice- Chairman - Phil Craxton
Treasurer - Hilary Smith
Saturday Secretary Position vacant - Bill Baker to stand for time being
Sunday Secretary - Phil Craxton
Saturday First Team Managers - Phil Craxton & Liam Gent
Saturday Reserve Team Managers - Garry Knight & Dave Salter (third member approved if agrees to stand)
Sunday First Team Managers - Gary Coldwell & Mark Lester
Sunday Reserve Team Managers - Andy Rice-Tucker & Mark Files
Players Representative - Tom Gent
Committee Member - Lewis Drury
Key points arising:
Need to attract additional players to improve size of squads.
Match fees to remain at £5 but need to support all fund raising ventures so that the club deficit can be addressed.
Search for a Saturday Secretary to continue as Bill Baker is only standing in a temporary capacity.
Potential for training to continue throughout the new season to be investigated.
10th December 2010
18 month membership for £100
Kim Marshall, has an 18 month peak time membership at LA Fitness in Tun Wells which she can't use since the new arrival to the family, but due to the contract she can't cancel. However transferring the membership is possible
She has a good rate of £35.00 a month and I would be happy to pay some lucky / fitness fanatic £100.00 to take up this wonderful offer (3 months free).
Any interested parties please contact Tim on 07941 476154
10th December 2010
Brownie drops over the bar a line
Dear Over the Bar,
Although having to disconnect our internet connection meant that I have had to send this to you written on some old fish and chip paper, I still felt I should let you know my current situation after the recent headlines on the website.
I’m afraid to say my lifestyle has changed dramatically due to the current economic crisis - probably known better as ‘Hayley’.
There are other factors behind my lack of funds as well, mainly due to keeping both the football club and the Black Horse afloat over the years. Like the stars of '66 I have considered selling off my medals to raise some extra income, but the price of tacky plastic isn't that high at the moment.
Regarding Boozer’s offer for clothes it's ok the old lady from down the end of the road has donated to me all her cardigans so you can keep all of yours - but your right your clothes are too small and if you ever looked in the mirror before you went you would see that!
Things have gotten so bad that along with Sir Bob Geldof, Ethiopia is holding a concert in aid of myself! So any donations (cash or food) can be sent to me via the Football Club although no vinegar!
As it’s the season of good will to all men, I hope you can spare me some cash or at least your Xmas dinner leftovers! But remember Brownie is for life not just for Christmas!
25th November 2010
Ramskills Report Nightmare
It used to be that the only comparison that could be made between Wayne Rooney and James Ramskill was the fact that both are known to have a “Demon” right foot, unfortunately this is no longer the case as The Pembury Saturday Reserves Star goalkeeper is employing similar tactics in order to get his own way.
This season, apart from an early season blunder against Leigh, James Mehmet Ramskill has been in scintillating form for Pembury and with it coinciding with a positive change in Results some people are already drawing to the conclusion that it is largely due to the magical finger tips of the Portly Pembury Stopper.
Climbing the league and keeping clean sheets is however not enough for the man nicknamed “The CAT/Tank” and it appears that personal glory is what he is seeking.
A source inside the club has told over the bar that there is considerable unrest with James as frequently he is being bypassed in the Saturday Res reports for more exotic names such as Yacine Marouani, Rob Hendley and Dominic Andrews who are being nicknamed collectively by many as “The Glory boyz”, a Trio so good they are reminding people of an Old Saturday reserve team attacking lineup “The 3 Amigos”.
We managed to speak to Terry Beattie regarding this and he responded with the following
“James is 100% right, I am also fed up with the preferential treatment given to some players. I would like to think if I ever managed to have a decent game for Pembury then I would get a mention in report”
Coming to a conclusion on such a controversial subject has been extremely difficult, so difficult in fact that I have been unable to.
Instead we pose this question to you, the Fans
Is James’ behavior that of a spoilt child without attention? or is he merely a hugely talented player trying to get his performances the praise they deserve ?
9th November 2010
BROWNIE : THE PLIGHT OF THE MODERN DAY FOOTBALLER
Over The Bar readers passing through the village were shocked recently to see the latest news board displaying the tragic news of club legend Michael ‘Brownie’ Brown.
The news sent shock waves through the club, not just because of the revelation but also because it followed so quickly after the announcement of his retirement from permanent action.
Unfortunately this fall from grace is indicative of the plight facing the modern day footballer when his playing days either come to end. The great Gazza is a prime example as to are our world cup heros of ’66 who are having to sell off their assets to make ends meet. Michael Brown is the latest of football’s greats to fall on hard times.
Comments and announcements have been flooding into our office.
‘A legend of this club. If only my clothes weren’t too small I’d pass him something down to at least make him presentable. He’ll always be a part of us and will always be welcome back as our guest except for club dinners as funds are some what tight’ - Andy Rice-Tucker, Club Chairman.
‘Oh my God - it’s a crisis. He still owes match fees’ - Hilary Smith, Club Treasurer.
‘F**k him!’ - Phil ‘The Rotweiller’ Craxton, Club Secretary.
‘It is so sad. I don’t think the scale of the problem has hit home yet. Brownie without food is the next Famine Relief I have cancelled all engagements in my diary to concentrate on the effort’ - Sir Bob Geldof.
‘This has been bubbling under the surface for a while I now realise why I’ve been buying all the drinks.’ - Steve Harper.
‘Whilst I feel sorry for him it will save me a fortune in post match food. It will mean I can shave a bit of the next price rise. I should be able to keep prices just below the £5 a pint level.’ - Gary Coldwell.
‘Michael who? Oh - the big lad in the tea room with a limp - such a shame we’ll see if we can extend his hours’ - Warner Brothers Solicitors
‘Whatever’ - Papal Bill Baker
‘One of the greatest sweepers I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch.’ - Joe Brown, Head of Part Time Road Cleansing Services, Tunbridge Wells Borough Council.
‘Piss Off. He’s still got more money than us’ - West Ham United F.C.
‘It’s off. No looks, no personality and now no money’. - Hayley Kyles.
We tried to get Michael to comment but unfortunately we couldn’t hear him. Instead our intrepid photographer caught him outside his new home last night.
4th November 2010
Pembury Leave Bookmakers in tears after Final Race
On Saturday 30th October, 17 astute gamblers assembled at the Black Horse in preparation for a night at Hove Dogs. We departed at 19:00 on the journey to Brighton, by 19:15 and not even at Sevenoaks yet, a whole bottle of Aftershock had been seen to by the back row fraternity whilst Gunny took the opportunity to catch up on some sleep! We arrived in time for most of us to get a bet on the first race and the evening began. As the beer flowed the races seemed to get closer and closer together and even with Hymers winning £1.73 for his dog being placed (whilst also impressing the 60 year old barmaid with his strawpedo ability!) spirits remained high, as several members of the group were having a profitable evening. The pinnacle of the evening though was the last race when Tommy Gent collected £5 off of everyone for a club bet, the number 2 dog was selected. The 17 strong group gathered by the finish line to witness the 2 Dog romp home and send 17 grown men into complete euphoria. A great night was had by all, there were noises to do this again at the end of the season so watch this space.
Picture above of several members of the party showing off the group winnings.
Monday 27th September 2010
EXCLUSIVE : THE POPE WAS AN IMPOSTER
Following the revelation last week regarding the mystery surrounding the Pope’s visit to the UK, Over The Bar can today exclusively reveal the truth. Following an in depth investigation involving comprehensive eye witness accounts we are the first to expose the real story.
Over The Bar was first advised that all was not as it seemed when it was noted that the Pope appeared to be slightly unsteady on his feet as he left the Vatican. Witnesses said it appeared as though he had had a vodka or two and that they heard him constantly asking his aides to sing more folk songs and do a bit of Riverdancing. It appears that they promised him more vodka and a crafty fag when he got on the plane. This explains the power walk across the tarmac and up the steps. Within minutes the Over The Bar hotline was inundated with Pembury villagers who believed they had seen that walk somewhere before and also with residents from the local flats who said that they recognised the hysterical cry for more Michael Flatley.
However, following the initial outburst things went rather quiet and the Pope’s visit appeared to be running smoothly albeit that his head was always bowed or turned away from the audience so as to carefully avoid eye to eye contact. That was until the Prayer Vigil in Hyde Park when the cat was firmly let out of the bag. The alleged Pope was going through his usual routine of blessings when just as he was finishing a prayer he was approached by a Vatican aide who was seen to whisper something in his ear. Not realising that his microphone was still on the Pope was heard to answer ‘WHATEVER’.
The audience was stunned. For a few moments silence reigned until collectively they in unison also cried ‘whatever’ believing this to be the new version of Amen. Thinking he had got away with it the Pope immediately went into the Lords Prayer.
‘Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name ................................................................. for thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory forever and ever. Whatever.’
With that the Pope threw his arms in the air and lifted his head towards the audience. In an instant those at front exclaimed ‘That’s not Pope Benedict. It’s Papal Bill from Pembury.’
With that the Vatican forces quickly withdrew the imposter and whisked him away before the claim could be verified.
As you are aware until today the population still believes that Pope Benedict was on our shores. But we at Over The Bar know differently and for the first time can reveal the evidence supporting the truth. Unbeknown to the Vatican, our intrepid reporter was in Hyde Park with camera and was able to take the following snapshot of our very own Saturday Secretary.
Papal Bill you have been rumbled.
22 September 2010
MYSTERY SURROUNDS POPE’S VISIT TO THE UK
As always ‘Over The Bar’ is first with the breaking news and has heard through the grapevine that there is mystery surrounding the validity of Pope Benedict’s first official visit to the UK.
Claims are allegedly being made that an impostor was used during the visit either as security cover or for some form of publicity stunt.
Suspicion was aroused when it was questioned at senior level as to whether this was actually The Pope boarding this plane. There are also strong rumours that the mystery includes the recurrence of some undercover work by a Pembury man connected to our club.
We are of course investigating and will revert back to you shortly.
Watch this space!!!!