The latest snippits and gossip,
hot
from the man at the bar. Mr B.
and our new mystery contributor Mr T
The latest snippits and gossip,
hot
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8th January 2008
As Harps has not scored or even performed for the last five weeks questions have inevitably began to circulate within the club as to what is happening to our so-called superstar. Doubts as to his ability, commitment and well being were being fired at co-managers Boozer and Bear. In an attempt to resolve the problem they turned to our intrepid investigator at Over The Bar.
Without revealing his source our man has again come up trumps by getting his hands on Harp’s secret diary. The result is that we can exclusively reveal from the extracts below a series of woes concerning love, money, diet, diving and drinking. No wonder the poor soul is suffering. At least he appears to have realised his folly and is seeking help.
December 17th
Dear Diary,
Really excited about tomorrow taking Alex away for a romantic break to Cornwall.
The lads are off on the annual Christmas trip to Plumpton but the course of true love as they say must come first. Might even pop the question if the opportunity arises.
December 18th
Dear Diary,
What a f*****g day – she can poke any ideas of a ring right up her a**e. Thought we’d have a nice day at the zoo to celebrate my birthday.
Didn’t get off to the best of starts when some young kids pointed at my nose and screamed to their parents that an elephant had escaped.
Worst followed when we realised Baker was here. Managed to get away though when Alex noticed that he was in some sort of caged play area and we made a run for it. Noticed he was still there as we were leaving and decided to say goodbye. He was obviously really pissed off with us as he didn’t take any notice. He was more interested in the tyre he was playing with. Alex thought it was a long way to come just to play in the trees.
Got even worse when we got back to the car and noticed the keys were still in it. Had to pay for a taxi back to the hotel, then for somebody to break into my flat to get the spare set and finally a courier to send them down to Cornwall. Didn’t mind that but the fact that it cost a couple of hundred quid broke my heart!
December 20th
Dear Diary,
Really looking forward to Christmas. Mum phoned this morning to say Christmas lunch would be at two. Told Alex who looked surprised as we were supposed to be having lunch at her parents.
Don’t know how to get out of this one – may have to keep the peace by going to both. Phoned Brownie who thought two lunches was a great idea and that he would try to do the same by double booking with his mates.
Brownie just phoned back and wondered if I could recommend another friend as he could only think of his dad.
December 25th
Dear Diary,
Great lunch – Mum has excelled herself today but am doing my best to take it easy. Unfortunately Sargy keeps pushing the potatoes and sprouts in my direction and making comments, so I have to keep helping myself to keep things normal. Didn’t really want mince pies on top of the pudding but mum insisted.
Tried to suggest we go for a walk to help the digestion but Sargy insisted we opened the Quality Street and played Twister – feeling a bit uncomfortable at the moment.
Managed to get away about four and arrived at Alex’s parents just in time for the canapés. Forced a couple down but managed to strategically place myself away from her mum to avoid most of them.
‘Hope you’re hungry’ she says as we sit down – I just smile. ‘There’s plenty more’ she says as a plateful is put in front of me.
Feeling rather sick which is not helped by the rumblings starting to flow from the sprouts of earlier.
Don’t care if I never see another mince pie or Christmas pudding again. Just hope they don’t get out the Twister!
S**t! Left leg green fires off the first blast from the sprouts. Alex’s mum quickly decides we should play something more sedate.
Won’t take no for an answer to the Christmas cake so am forced to eat a chunk. Finishes me off and I realise the only way to stop me being sick is to make our excuses and leave.
Some pratt sends me a text asking if I fancy a curry.
December 29th
Dear Diary,
Played today, won again. Unfortunately, got to go to Lindo’s wedding and explain how I got booked for diving. Ref accepted the abnormality of my nose but refused to believe that it causes me to lose balance when leaning forward.
January 6th
Dear Diary,
Those civility lessons must be working was even nice to Mr Nagle today. Black Horse staff party tonight can’t wait.
What a night! F**k the civility – grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
January 7th
Dear Diary,
Severe case of rehab needed – feeling so sick can’t talk.
2nd January 2008
20th December 2007
9th November 2007
As club members will be aware, there is a meeting of designated Committee members, convened normally on the first Monday of the month. This is a snapshot of the events of the most recent meeting & by bringing details to the attention of a wider audience this will hopefully illuminate some of the shadowy figures that dominate the upper echelons of our club.
On entering the pub,tension is detected in the air. At the bar is sat a grey- haired, distinguished looking figure who, from time to time, mutters in a rich Irish brogue 'Whatever!I must get home for me dinner' & swigs from a large glass of suspicious contents.
Some distance apart from him, standing in the corner, facing the wall is a stoutish fellow dressed in suit, collar & tie. He is also sporting a beige 'beany' type woollen hat pulled over his ears and from a distance he resembles an over-dressed, obese monkey nut. (His strange attire he explained by the fact that he has come straight from work!) Tears are in his eyes and through gritted teeth he says 'Nobody loves me, b########s will miss me when I'm gone, where's the free food?'.
The tension is further ratcheted up when the head honcho appears; Chairman Rice-Tucker bursts through the door & immediately calls the meeting to order.Unfortunately, he has failed to communicate the amended 8pm start time to everybody but realising his mistake is quickly able to regain his composure, occupying himself by counting & sorting the huge wad of cash & cheques that he has concealed about his person. Eventually, a reasonably full complement is achieved when 50% of the Saturday Res. Management team arrives fully 35 mins late!!
'No-one told me' he whined ,when challenged. Here's a couple of suggestions for him to take on board; DO take the trouble to find out the start time of any meeting you are due to attend & DON'T plead ignorance, it is no defence in law.
The meeting begins & attention is focussed on the Treasurer who is trying to make some sense of the complex financial web the Chairman has spun around the recently staged Centenary event. The Chairman duly passes the pile of cheques & cash over, with a cheery 'Good luck', along with various beer-stained & dog-eared pieces of paper that he refers to as 'receipts'.
He refuses to answer any direct questions about some questionable transactions, saying 'Just sign the cheques & give them to me. I'll fill in the details later'. He closes the subject by adding 'Everyone agrees, I did a marvellous job on Saturday night'.
Next up, the Saturday first team management report & this casts some light on the troubled atmosphere detected earlier. Organisational & admin. problems are bedevilling the set up & confusion reigns. A long list of greivances are aired & rather lame excuses given for recent performances.
(Rumours abound that last week-end somebody rang the League result service & left the result of the Arsenal/Man U game! Unsurprisingly the fines are astronomical) The Chairman is quickly able to restore harmony & soon the Management duo & secretary are engaged in an embarrassing mutual admiration club. The Reserve team report is similarly uninspiring & by this stage the biggest challenge for those present is not losing the will to live.
Fortunately, the Sunday teams' reports provide more interesting fare. Intelligent. insightful & witty they prove the highlights of the evening. The Chairman swiftly brings the affair to a conclusion by bulldozing his way through' Any Other Business', as his next objective soon becomes obvious. He has a consignment of goods of dubious origin,consisting of leisure wear & cut-glass that he is anxious to off-load around the pub on his usual terms 'cash only'.
The Irishman departs with a final gruff 'Whatever!I must get home for me dinner', passing at the door the arriving Sunday Reserves Management duo, who have cleverly side-stepped the whole meeting.
This report doesn't pretend to report word for word the evening, but a sense of how events progressed. Possible mental health issues? Probable financial chicanery! Decide for yourselves. Club members must decide if they are happy to allow the current hierarchy to continue to enjoy unrestricted power. Remember you have the power, you have the vote!
Monday 5th November 2007
10:30am on Friday 26th October and it was time for Tim "Stan" Nagle to depart with his Sister, brother-in-law and Nephew in toe for a weekend trip to Liverpool . The party departed High Brooms at around 11:00 and upon arriving in the capital were unsure of how to get to their connecting station, London Euston.
Step forward Stan, who bullishly tells the family that he will ensure their safe arrival at Euston Station and onward to Liverpool . The travelling party didn’t even feel the need to question Stan and think his 25+ years of working in the city makes him the ideal candidate to guide them through unfamiliar territory. Stan insists on getting a taxi as opposed to the tube and because of this begins to hail down the nearest cab, which to his credit he does well, he informs the driver of his destination and all board safely. Jovial banter followed and thoughts turned to the weekend ahead although everyone was conscious that the time of their train departure was getting ever closer, not to worry though as the cab then pulled up and had reached its destination ... Kings Cross!! Nagle (having had a skinful the night before) had got his stations muddled up and took the family to the wrong station, having only arrived with about 10 minutes to spare their was no chance of an onward journey to Euston in time and thus everyone had missed their train and lost all their pre-booked seats!! When quizzed on this rather monumental error he could only blame an earlier conversation about trains being cancelled out of Kings Cross and that it must have been on his mind!
Stan was relieved of his duties as the navigator and the Party finally departed from Kings Cross - I mean Euston (it’s actually quite an easy mistake to make!!) and arrived in Liverpool approx 2 hours late.
With the recent cricket versus football debate still rumbling on Chairman and Sunday 1st team manager Andy Rice-Tucker a.k.a "Boozer" has come under further pressure in this weeks press. Players and officials alike are now asking the question is this the right man to lead the good ship Pembury FC forward?
Over the bar was contacted recently by a National newspaper warning us that a scandalous story was breaking involving a stumpy, 60 year old male with glasses who looks remarkably like a mole. We were in no doubt who this was, although no name was given the press office at OTB shot into action and followed up on a lead and came away with the clue that pin pointed the culprits identity. An anonymous lead stated that the man in question went by the name of "Boozer".
The story finally broke on Thursday 20th September in the Sun newspaper's Dear Deidre column (see article below). Shocked readers have inundated the Pembury FC website with complaints about ghastly actions of our Chairman although we at OTB hold no judgement on the way others live their lives, we are understandably shocked and appalled by such a vile man being associated with our club. We have been on the streets of Pembury and in particular the pubs, where "Boozer" is said to leer over his next conquests trying to gage the public opinion of this outrageous news, here are some of the views of the locals:
Bill Baker, 95 from Ireland "aahhh whatever! "I'll have a vodka and coke"
Lawrence Le Foldwell, 45 from the Arctic "It's shocking my mate Paul Robinson/Gerraint Jones/Bob the Cat Bevan would never do a thing like that, I'm so taken back by the news I've only raised my prices once this week"
Stephen Harper, 25 from T Wells formerly of Paddock Wood, Bromley, Tonbridge, Rusthall, Pembury, Burgess Hill, Thurrock, Welling, Tonbridge "Good on the mole, I didn't know he had it in him"
We spoke to a friend of Mrs Rice-Tucker who quoted Sandy as saying "at least it keeps him away from me". Boozer was unavailable for comment.
Thanks to the assistance of THE SOON TO WIN A GAME MANAGERS !!!
Dramatic news has reached ‘Over the Bar’ as to the newly acquired status of ‘Fashion Accessory Guru’ for the Sunday 1st team skipper Ian Ward.
Whispers have been circulating for a while that ‘Wardy’, the club’s resident midget, has been searching for something new to do in his spare time now that he appears to have become a part-time player and that modeling for Mothercare has always been an ambition of his.
It wasn’t, however, until recently on a night out with the Chimp that he revealed his true vocation and declared that he actually wanted to move in to the world of female fashion accessories. The Chimp was somewhat taken aback by this, discounting thoughts of a mid-life crisis and putting it down to drink. However, when Wardy suddenly re-appeared clutching a silver handbag his worst fears were realised - Wardy had become an accessory guru.
‘I love this bag’ he declared, ‘You see how fetching it looks against my tight black shirt and protruding guns’.
Despite the Chimps protestations of embarrassment that it looked somewhat gay, Wardy would have none of it and vowed that he wouldn’t let the bag go that evening. In fact as you can see from the picture below he held it tight all night.
On seeing the picture a leading chest specialist has suggested to both Boozer and The Bear that Wardy’s recent rib injury may not be sport related at all and has more likely been caused by the tight clutching of bags on too regular a basis - a fair warning to all single members of the club during Saturday nights in town. This also explains why The Chimp in contrast is in prime fitness.
On hearing that the news was to break, Wardy said he was relieved that he could now dress how he felt. We, of course, wish Wardy well in his new life and if you have any accessories, such as beads, bangles or bags, that you wish to donate I’m sure that they will be well received. Additionally he is offering, for a limited period only, a free counseling session to all club members. We would suggest that if you are interested you book quickly before Coxon books his as we fear there will be little time left after him.
