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The latest snippits and gossip, hot from the man at the bar. Mr B. and our new mystery contributor Mr T
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Okehampton 2007 and the curse of Posh Slice.
During the course of Thursday or very early Friday morning, twenty four club stalwarts set off on the annual golfing trek to Okehampton in Devon. The aim as always to fire one’s ball into a hole as best one can (ggggggrrrrrrrrr – I hear the cry already - Harper) after having consumed copious amounts of alcohol the night before.
I am pleased to report that we all arrived safely at the Ashbury in good time for the 11.30 tee on The Pines course. It was there that the first surprise of the tour took place when it appeared that Andy Mearing was on the tee. Garry Knight was somewhat taken aback in that Mearing hadn’t booked to come and worse still we hadn’t received his money. All was revealed though when Neil Turner sheepishly owned up to providing Sarge with blonde highlights the previous day. Other than that the first tee was rather uneventful, proving that some serious practice had obviously taken place beforehand, with only a few candidates hooking their ball into the inviting out of bounds down the left. The scores registered at the end of the round were solid, if unspectacular, Garry Knight winning the day with 37 points on count back from Liam ‘Posh Slice’ Gent. Robin Turner produced a precision performance in both amassing 36 points and being successful with the longest drive and one of the nearest pins. The other nearest the pin being won by Dave Salter. Team Harps smashed the aptly named Chimps Chumps in the team event by 9 points to 3 to set the tone for the weekend.
Rather surprisingly everybody stayed in the hotel for Friday night. Rumour quickly began to circulate that perhaps everyone was taking their golf too seriously. Realistically it was, however, concluded that the real reason was that everyone was either tired from travelling, still feeling the excesses of the previous evening or, more likely, that the attempt by Harps to organise the taxis was, at best, shambolic. It didn’t stop the wine and beer from flowing though and the port being partaken by a few. A few of the clubs more fit athletes made their way to the Games Zone for ten pin bowling before embarking in a spot of table tennis. It was there that another major surprise took place with Kev ‘The Bat’ Waterman putting his unbeaten record on the line. Well the line was a fairly short one and after chalking up four successive defeats Kev decided that they’d play doubles instead. Whilst this was going on the second major surprise of the evening took place when the club quiz team failed to land the quiz competition in the main hall. The surprise was not due to the fact that we had a quality team - (Liam The Chimp, Liam The Posh, Neil The Highlights and Hymers) need I say more – but that a further six to ten people were hiding round the corner supplying answers. Nevertheless on hearing some of the answers that they provided you quickly begin to realise that the four would probably have been better off on their own – answers such as ‘Where did the Great Fire of London start?’ – to which Harps replied ‘The Cutty Sark’.
Day two started with a leisurely game of snooker where Sarge proceeded to bore everybody with his potting abilities. That wasn’t the only impression he was to make at the table that morning, as after one particular shot he proceeded to goad his opponent with a cry of ‘You can stick that right up your a**e’. Unfortunately he hadn’t realised that a rather elderly couple were playing on the table next to them and the old lady greeted the cry with ‘Oh my goodness’. Sarge was unsure whether she had a glint in her eye, brought on by memories of her youth, when she said it as he had already collapsed on the table in embarrassment.
The golf that day was played on the new Kigbear course and scores were somewhat better. Matt Rice-Tucker produced an almost faultless round in amassing 50 points which could have been more but for a blob on the last. Tour virgin Paddy, the tactical bandit Jason Gale and Garry Knight all produced a second successive round in the mid thirties to remain in contact with Matt who, as the days winner, had built himself a comfortable lead. Dave Salter picked up another nearest pin and longest drive prize and the remaining nearest the pin went to Sarge. The Chumps took another hammering in the team event despite The Chimps best efforts to rally his troops before play. This involved a public admonishing of ‘Okehampton Stan’ Nagle in the pro shop where he was told in no uncertain terms to step up his act. To be fair Stan took it well and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. The only strange thing was that the bollocking took place whilst The Chimp was at the front of the queue and Stan was some ten places further back. The assembled crowd stood in silence in fear that a fight might break out. Stan, however, responded in good part and came home with 40 points. In the clubhouse though it appeared that this wasn’t enough as Harps, his opponent, had scored 41 and proceeded to ram home (ggggrrrrrrr!) the victory. Stan was gutted. The tears, however, soon turned to cheers when it was announced that Harps’ scorecard was incorrect and that he had in fact only scored 39. The cheers were the loudest of the weekend – as it didn’t matter whose team you were on to laugh at the sudden reverse in fortune. The other main event at the course was the traditional loosening of the bag and Hymers was the victim on this occasion when his bag crashed to floor in making a turn on the first. Dave was actually a little unfortunate on this occasion as the intended victim was Harps - unfortunately the perpetrator of the deed, Stan, had fixed the wrong bag.
Once again the sudden rush to Exeter in the evening did not materialise with a more fruitful trip to Nero’s planned in between Millsy’s impressions of Coxon and Posh. Kev ‘The Bat’, having eaten ten plates of starters, played hard to get for all of ten seconds before announcing that he would be joining the band of missionaries planning to take the town by storm. As expected Nero’s did not disappoint and sordid tales of ugly women and very drunk boyfriends reverberated round the breakfast table the following day. Kev ‘The Bat’ remained very quiet though and we remain unsure whether he was still in shock or whether it was a hangover. Needless to say he still demolished the breakfast buffet.
The final morning of golf was, however, greeted with wind and heavy rain and those out of contention or not wishing to catch the flu decided to call it day, head home and prepare for the much awaited prize giving in the pub that evening. Little did they know what they would miss.
The first group out reached halfway before capitulating, to be followed by Stan and Andy Davis after six and Robin after eleven – despite being wet, cold and miserable the others stayed out on the course - despite wishing they too were in the comforts of the bar. The exploits of the previous evening had obviously taken their toll on the tour veteran Sarge who was too flustered on the first tee to check his bag which promptly fell from the buggy as he pulled away. In fairness it was raining and he was more concerned about the highlights running down his cheeks. As expected the last group out claimed the top four prizes with Garry Knight, despite the difficult conditions, scoring 41 points to win the day and pip Matt to the title. They were closely followed home by Paddy and Galey.
So another weekend over – a bit of lunch to come, a drive home to negotiate before partaking in a beer or two alongside the prize giving in the evening.
No chance – we hadn’t considered The Curse of ‘Posh Slice’ who left the van keys in the back of the van, without telling anyone, before rushing off to slip into his slacks, cravat and tweed. Luckily ‘Crack-One-Off’ was a member of the RAC so we could watch the play-off, wait for two and half hours until they arrived and broke in. Which we did and two and half hours later they did. Unfortunately the back of the van was a sealed unit and although they could get in the front they couldn’t get access to the back. So Plan B was executed – where we all drove back home, leaving the van there for Sargy to travel back to in the morning with the spare keys to collect. We may be late back home but we still had the prize giving to look forward to – that was until someone commented that the prizes were also in the back of the van! Prize giving accordingly cancelled until Tuesday!
In summary though another great weekend – good company and a lot of fun – superbly organised by Garry. Looking forward to next year and this time locking Posh in the back of the van already.
Sunday first speak Czechoslovakian
In winning the First Division Championship, the Sunday first team have shown great togetherness and team spirit.
This was demonstrated in the Black Horse on Sunday afternoon at about 6 p.m. when, in honour of their team mate Peter Bukovic, most of the team and supporters were actually speaking Czechoslovakian.
Good effort everyone.
Liam Baker smartens up appearance with new hairstyle
From the old style swept back Girlie look (see the chimp comes out below) to the Smart, Grey Chimp about town.
Liam really does know how to impress the girls.
Pembury Sunday's Top Scorers (upto 9th April 2007):1) Alun Evans & Chris Mearing - 15 goals
2) Ben Brooker - 13 goals
3) Scott Evans - 12 goals
4) Barry Leete - 10 goals
5) Danny McGahan - 9 goals
Stats courtesy of Steve Lindsey
The Chimp Comes Out!
After months of much gossip and many a rumour - The Chimp, Sunday first team keeper until a replacement is found or Daniel finds his mittens, has finally come out.
Like you - when Over The Bar first heard the news we also thought that perhaps he had finally learnt to come off his line but then, like his kicking, you soon realise that old habits never die. So you begin to wonder what else this announcement could mean? Surely not that he had found a friend with enough cash to buy his drinks again - we all know that The Count is desperate for companionship but hopefully not that desperate.
So what else? Well when you start putting two and two together - the mullet, the Tour de France clothing, the first in last out of the shower routine, the hosting of those cosy little dinner parties for the boys, the suggestive peeling of his banana - it could only mean one thing!
The team was in shock when the truth was revealed in the pub at the weekend. The incident of the red comb was the catalyst. As Liam performed another of his touchy feely can I squeeze past you facades on route to the loo he dislodged the comb from the back pocket of Sir Boozer with gay abandon. In a flash, (how true that expression now reads), realising that he was about to be rumbled The Chimp, aka Son of Drebbin, made a futile attempt to cover up his misdemeanors by posing with the comb. Whilst we all had a little giggle with him to hide his embarrassment we knew his cover had been blown and he had to come clean.
All of a sudden Millsy burst into tears as the horror of his little twosome with The Chimp the previous Sunday began to fall in to place. ‘When he suggested pub wrestling back at his flat I thought it would just be a bit of fun. I now know why he persuaded me to have that third pint of shandy. I told him I was likely to pass out again but he insisted. I felt so sore in the morning but he said it was the after effects of the curry only I'm sure we didn't eat.'
As the news spread the phone at Over The Bar became a hotline.
Wardy, Whittaker and Sargy rang to offer their support saying that 'They had always looked up to Liam and despite this they would continue to do so'.
Coxon said he was astounded that he didn't even get a sniff of what was going on.
Evans immediately booked himself into the hairdressers for another set of highlights, declared his allegiance to the monkey and said as always he would be firmly behind him.
Harper phoned to offer the club an autographed Vase final shirt if the news was kept quiet. He was supposedly in the middle of a blackmail scam with the monkey. He said he had some rather damning evidence of The Chimp's transgressions however Brownie had eaten it whilst tidying up the house. We of course declined, not because we felt a duty to report but because there really is no demand for a signed number 12 shirt.
On hearing the news in Portugal The Bear immediately returned home in attempt to paper over the cracks.
The Chimp has today told this site that he is glad that things are finally out in the open. He said that he was perfectly normal until he met Charlton Heston on the set of Planet of the Apes. 'Charlie was such a dear, such a love, such a sweet thing that I fell in love immediately' he said. Clutching his treasured photo he declared 'Charlie has made me the man that I am today.' With that the photo (see left) fell to the floor and our intrepid reporter picked it up and legged it.
The mystery of the red comb
Several sightings have been reported this weekend following the apparent use of a red comb at the Black Horse. Andrew "Boozer" Rice-Trucker (63) first team Sunday manager and Chairman of Pembury football club apparently unleashed the razor toothed weapon on a innocent strand of hair in public. Some of the first team had to witness this which led to Liam Baker, Paul Emblen, Martin Millins, Brownie and Mark Lester having to console themselves by staying out all day drinking just to banish this horrific sight from there memories.
Tim Nagle commented "I've known Boozer for some time now and whilst trying to use my persuasive powers to get him to have a skinhead he insists on adopting the Bobby Charlton sweep over. I think he looks like a nudger "
Michael Brown, so drunk at this point, poured ice cold milk on Boozers shredded Wheat and tried to scoff the whole lot down.
It remains to be seen if the rumours circulating the village are true with the hot gossip at present asking if Daniel "I've got a truncheon" Manktellow is the love child of Boozer.
A comb amnesty has been called and Gary Coldwell will have a box behind the bar at the Black Horse. Please, please, please do the right thing and hand in those combs.
Posted by Cheeky Monkey.
Pembury Sunday's Top Scorers (upto 21st January 2007):
9 = Alun Evans
7 = Ben Brooker & Chris Mearing
6 = Barry Leete & Scott Evans
5 = Ian Ward
4 = Jason Gale, Chris Ells & Danny McGahan
3 = Mark Wood & Dave Burren
Stats courtesy of Steve Lindsey
LINDSEY & TURNER GET ENGAGED!!
Contrary to popular belief Alistair Turner did not propose to childhood sweetheart Steve Lindsey on New Year's Eve, but to Leicestershire lass Yvonne Mitchell who deservedly overcome strong competition to win the heart of the midfield maestro. A reliable source has heard that the Turner household is relishing the assortment of chips, gravy & mushy peas at the wedding reception.
A few days earlier on Christmas day NHS accountant Andy Lindsey also popped the question to long-term girlfriend Deborah Allchin. The hard-hitting defender has always strongly denied accusations that Nurse Allchin had been blackmailing him, with false overtime claims, leading up to their engagement. It is understood that Deborah was threatening to reveal that it was actually his mother who played cupid & arranged their first date whilst working with her on the NHS wards.
Congratulations to both couples from everyone at Pembury Football Club!!
Pembury manager gets ASBO
Rumours have been flying around Pembury and the surrounding areas that resident goodie two shoes and all round nice guy Chairman Andy Rice-Tucker is under house arrest. Anyone who knows 'Boozer' will testify that he does have an unsavoury side to his character this has led to him being given the nickname of the silent assassin.
Although no official statement has been released by the police we are led to believe that part of his ASBO restrictions mean he is not allowed to leave the borders of Pembury village. This has resulted in him not attending away games this season although he is joint manager of the Sunday 1st team. Why Boozer was given the ASBO is not sure, but here at OTB we have managed to lay our hands on confidential Police paper work stating the anti-social behaviour committed by this over aged happy slapper.
Our evidence suggests that the otherwise respectable member of our local community could have had something to do with the recent problems surrounding the vandalism of the Woodside changing rooms. Boozer was caught quite literally red handed with a spray can by Pembury's own version of Robo - Cop Bill "It's a cracker" Baker aka Frank Drebin. Although Boozer made an attempted escape on his BMX this was no match for Drebbin's supercharged golf cart and soon the scourge of Pembury was under lock and key, while the one man crime prevention machine could sit back with another vodka and coke knowing that the streets of Pembury were once again safe.
Boozer himself was quoted saying "at least the wife knows I don't play away from home". But with this type of commitment being shown by their manager some of the Sunday 1st team players are becoming worried that there title chances are slipping as Boozer has always been the tactical genius behind the Sunday teams charge towards the Div 1 title. Although the other half of the management duo, the red cheeked Larry Foldwell seems to have picked up at least one tip from his partner, he was seen Sunday constantly shouting "Switch on!"
DREBBIN MYSTERY SOLVED
Over the last week Over the Bar has received an unprecedented number of calls asking the question 'Where's Drebbin?'. For once we were stumped and unable to find the truth.
There were rumours that our infamous Saturday Secretary had taken a holiday during the season but this was dismissed as something that a responsible official would just not do. 'That would be disgraceful' said Sunday Secretary Phil 'The Rotweiler' Craxton whilst collecting his flight tickets for Australia.
However, following last nights hush hush and quickly cleared up disturbance in the High Street, Over the Bar can exclusively reveal the truth.
Drebbin has been provided with a new prototype NYPD surveillance vehicle and has been away to receive specialist training. Last night, however, he returned to the village and it wasn't long before he was back in The Horse for a vodka or two. During this time he received what we can only assume was an urgent call from the force as he raced from the pub to his vehicle. Following him swiftly our reporter noted that he promptly leapt onto the seat, turned the keys and shouted 'Where's the bloody turbo boost?'.
From the resulting photo (which is strictly confidential and lifted from NYPD records) we can only assume that he found it!
Pembury defenders at last able to sleep peacefully
I feel the time is now right to inform the club of my premature retirement from playing due to the terrible injury I recceived in the home game against Hawkenbury res 2 weeks ago, I clearly remember everyone laughing on the line but I remember two people more than any of the others laughing louder and I hope Kevin Waterman and Ian presnell are happy that I cant play anymore. [I think pres would have wanted me to stop 10 years ago to save him the embarrassment of dropping me, but he did anyway and he enjoyed dropping me as he has told me many times since.]
I don't want a big party but a testimonial for a financial reward, I feel, would be right, I would give the club time to arrange it about 5 years should be enough time to tell everyone who knows and likes me so they can add it to their important diary dates and it will be enough time to sort out security for the vast number of well wishers who will turn up to shake my hand [except Brian Knight who i know some of you will remember likes shaking me by the throat].
I will leave it in the clubs safe hands to sort out and look forward to the many e-mails from thousands of people I know will be sent Thank you very much from an emotional ......
Andy Whittaker [ am I bollocks]
FOOTBALL MANAGER 2007 - PRESS RELEASE
Being a long standing pillar of the football world 'Over The Bar', in addition to all other clubs throughout the UK, has today received this important press release from the manufacturers of Football Manager 2007.
We are of course extremely embarrassed by the need to make this announcement but do so in the public interest and for our reputation as a manufacturer of true to life sporting games.
Accordingly we would like to draw your attention to the following matters with regard the recent release of Football Manager 2007.
We are aware of our responsibilities as a provider of family entertainment for all ages. We therefore whole heartedly apologise for the photograph attached to the Thurrock player Steve Harper. We are aware of the hideous features that this player possesses but do wish our games to remain as life like as possible and confirm that this is a real person albeit extremely ugly. We apologise for the distress that has been caused to so many of you and will 18 plus rate this section of the game.
We must also apologise for an important rule that was omitted from the game with regard to this player. We can verify that he is available for transfer, can be paid an exorbitant salary and be your captain should you so wish. However, once again in the interest of remaining true to life, we must insist that if you buy or own this player that he remains on the bench and is only to be used in extremely short spells when the game is over as a contest or nearing completion.
With sincere apologies for these oversights.'
Pembury star shines in Ryder Cup.
Over the Bar can exclusively reveal that Pembury football star and son of The Grey Bear, Ross Taylor, put country before club this weekend when he stood in for his doppelganger Paul Casey at last weekends Ryder Cup.
Unbeknown to anyone except the Grey Bear himself, Ross received a call late on Thursday evening from a desperate Woosie who explained that Casey had injured himself in practice and could not turn out over the weekend. Knowing that this would destroy team morale and give the Americans a massive lift Woosie swore Ross to secrecy and pleaded with him to cover for his injured star. Without a moments hesitation, except whilst downing another lager, our hero confirmed his attendance. All that remained was to rid him of that aaaaaaaaaaaaaaccent. Despite overnight elocution lessons this job was deemed impossible and Ross turned up at the K Club nursing an alledged throat so sore that he was unable to speak.
The cover was, however, blown before Sundays singles, not by Ross but, by Casey turning up to play for the Saturday Reserves against Invicta. Andy Whittaker, being the sharp cookie that he is, didn't take long to notice the imposter and phoned Woosnam demanding a significant sum to keep his silence. On receiving Woosie's assurance with regard to payment Whittaker kept his word and played Casey at left back whilst Ross performed heroics in Ireland.
Asked later how he noticed the switch, Whittaker told of how his suspicions were aroused when his left back could suddenly walk in a straight line, tie up his own laces, didn't keep humming Combine Harvester by The Wurzels and he was able to understand every woooooooorrrrrd the player said. With regard to the ransom Whittaker confirmed that he was saving for the next CSA payment and needs must.
Above you can see Ross in action.
Over the bar trumped by Metro
Three months after the departure of 'Mr Chairman' Robin Turner, 'Over The Bar' can not exclusively reveal what the ex-premier has been getting up to with so much extra time on his hands.
Commuter bore-off paper 'The Metro' has however been hooked by the story, and can exclusivley reveal that Turner (35) has turned his hand to fishing.
'Over the Bar' can not also exclusively reveal that Turner has made waves in the fishing world by catching a tropical fish, and therefore earning a plaice in the areas hearts. Turner is now known as the 'Puff Daddy' in west country circles, according to on the ball journalsits for 'Over the Bar' rival publication 'The Metro'.
Chief Editor for 'Over the Bar' Andrew Rice-Tucker was said to have been dissapointed at missing out on this scoop, staring into his own reflection from what can only be described as some very bright and shinny buckles, the sleepy Rice Tucker (72) said that 'Over the Bar' did evaluate the 'Puff Daddy' story but clammed that the story was not worth reporting on, and that they haddock limited resources to cover it.
Turner himself was said to have been delighted with the catch, perching excitedly on a Black Horse bar stool Turner added, 'It took all the mussels in my right arm to bring that bad boy in'. On 'Over the Bar's' inadequate journalism, the ex-premier casted a final insult by saying that the quality of the editorial team was still up for debait.
Steph has howler
The Sunday Management team have been working hard over the summer trying to bring in new recruits who meet the high standard needed to pull on the black and white of Pembury.
Some of the new recruits have been up to scratch and will make excellent additions to the 1st and 2nd team squads while others have promised so much yet failed to deliver in the pre-season friendlies. The biggest disappointment came this Sunday when news spread through the village that an ex semi-pro footballer who had represented his country on one occasion was interested in signing.
A big crowd turned up to see this star in action, he certainly looked the part in the warm up while rumours of his goal scoring exploits were buzzing around the players, managers and fans, everyone was looking forward to seeing plenty of goals from the goal scoring legend. The only one who was troubled by the star striker, centre midfielder, right-back, bench warmer, tea maker during the match was Daniel Mantelow who was constantly in a bush fetching the balls that had been launched into the next field from the striker's wayward shooting.
Peter Buckovec did not seem to be to worried when over the bar informed him of the possible new signing, he was quoted as saying "nie slusny na snurka hotelovy sluha." I think this summed up everyone's opinion of the trialist.
Although he didn't make a great impact on the football pitch at least all barn doors are now safe as long as Steph has a banjo in his hands.
Report in the Sun
The Sun newspaper this week have reported that are very own Aled Jones AKA Chris Ells has made it through to next stage of the X Factor. Chris spends most of his Christmas evenings singing for the old ladies of Sunhill Court, Edith Brown said “ He has the voice of a angel, he always put’s a smile on my face “. Chris attended the auditions at Wembley 2 weeks ago and after queing patiently with Joe Passey (His special friend) and his Dad, he was given the number 4387 and waited for 5 hours before having the chance to impress Louis, Sharon and Simon.
His Dad insisted on coming into the room with him where upon Chris introduced himself and opened up with a classical choirboy version of the Prodigy’s “Smack my b*tch up“, after a fine performance Sharon said yes, Louis remained undecided so it was over to Simon Cowell to make the final decision.
Chris trembling like a girl waiting to have her first piercing waited and waited, then from out of nowhere Dave Ells attacked Cowell with some devastating blows to the head and body, whilst screaming at him to put his boy through to the next stage or else. Cowell under severe pressure gave Chris the thumbs up to the next stage.
Chris’s mum speaking from the family home in Hildenborough said “I’m so proud of little Chrissie, obviously his football career was going nowhere fast and this could make him a star “ “ His girlfriend will be over the moon, I told her when she was driving back from Wales“
I’m sure you’ll join me in wishing Chris good luck for the next stage.