The latest snippits and gossip,
hot
from the man at the bar. Mr B.
and our new mystery contributor Mr T
The latest snippits and gossip,
hot
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Recent reports in the Dover Gazette has questioned the behaviour and responsibility of our very own Ian Ward. Whilst Ian gives off responsible and trustworthy characteristics while in action on the pitch and when he occasionally decides to indulge in a post-match drink, it seems as if his latest adventure has got the Pembury stalwart into a bit of trouble.
Ian was taking some of his kids to participate in a football match in Dover or at least that's what he told the headmaster........ because the small people in the mini-bus were in a rush the smallest of them all Mr Ward forgot to fill up the bus with that important thing called Petroleum, because of this major mistake the bus broke-down on the M20.
Passer-by's on the motorway had thought that those on the bus were on their way to the famous Dover Midget Convention, no such luck.
I do hope that Ian has learnt from his mistake as he has a responsibility to these kids, this sort of behaviour may harm their futures - so on your head be it Wardy !
Please see right - Firstly Ian with his kids, cannot resist posing for photos even in a time of need ! and a Petrol Station, something Ian isn't that familiar with
To whom it may concern,
Last week, after months of inactivity (following three seasons of abject mediocrity and occasional incompetence), I dug out my boots in preparation for an appearance for the Saturday Reserves.
I arranged the pick-up time with Mr Ali Turner, and as he arrived in the rain on time, I felt the day had started promisingly. However things soon turned for the worse. I was informed in the pouring rain, that we were in fact playing away at Brenchley, an absolute quagmire of a pitch even in the middle of June.
Knowing that Mr Whittaker, the 'manager' of the team would be running the show, (I use the word show in its very literal sense) I was surprised to be told I would be performing in goal.
Having met my team mates a short while before kick-off, I tried to put behind me the sight of black eyes and Reebok shell suits, it was with trepidation I attempted the jog out onto the pitch. As the rain turned to sleet, into snow, and then into shards of ice in a force 7 gale, I was beginning to ponder the wisdom of my decision to abandon the warmth of a local hostelry, for this attempt at what I understand some call 'sport'.
With the memories of the ensuing 90 minutes (which passed as fleetingly as my Grandmothers 27 year battle against cancer and alzheimers disease) vague at best, it is with anger and disappointment that I write this letter.
Mr Turner had called me earlier in the week He explicitly used the word football, and at least twice in our initial conversation referred to the reserves as a 'unit' and made mention of a 'midfield'.
At no time during the course of the afternoon did see evidence of either - despite the fact that I personally attempted to bring a sense of normality to proceedings by punching the ball into my own net twice, and let one loop in from 75 yards.
Both these practices are common parts of my football archives, and I believe, part and parcel of the beautiful game. Not only can I remember nothing of the game, nor do I wish to, but have since discovered we also 'won'.
In future may I suggest for all members of the club, who may be approached by Mr. Turner, with wild and unsubstantiated promises of a football match, to seek professional and medical advice, before committing themselves to such an experience.
What exacerbated the situation this week, is I find my private healthcare scheme at work does not cover: 'irrational sporting mental experiences, delusions of footballing ability and a complete neural inability to connect with 28 stone Neanderthal village types threatening a variety of anal retribution.
Yours in disgust,
Dominic Lanaway.
After the breaking news in Scotland that new Hearts Chairman Vladimir Romanov has been picking the team instead of first team coach Graham Rix, the press have been speculating that this isn't the only case of this type of practice. In a bizarre revelation it has been suggested that Pembury Chairman Robin "The Greengrocer" TURNER has more influence on the club and its teams than originally thought.
Although the fans and management alike have said that Benny TURNER when fit and on song is a valuable addition to any team, recently the nippy winger/full back has been carrying a few pounds after a serious injury and not performing to his highest ability. Benny, who has been on a strict diet of scotch eggs and lager, 'blows raspberries' at his critics claiming it is ability alone that has got him where he is. After questioning the management team of Boozer and some old grey haired bloke who occasionally turns up, they told our undercover reporter that "we dropped Benny a couple of weeks ago for a game, on the Sunday morning before the game we woke up with a horses head in our bed, along with a basket of fruit". Although this does not prove beyond doubt that Pappa "Lovely Coconuts" TURNER is running the show, evidence that his favourite son; Alistair TURNER currently out injured is still involved in team affairs may suggest otherwise.
Although with no previous experience and with a list of highly experienced managers willing to take over the role of reserve team manager, Ali was given the chance to run the side. He brought in an unknown assistant in Andy Whickitter and things have gone 'pear shaped' for this 'cherry picked' management team'. Without a win all season, (although the team have never been thrashed) somehow they are still in a job, even with many candidates still willing to take the job. Ali has claimed that all the criticism is 'sour grapes'. None of our sources had the plums to go as far as claiming nepotism was involved here or that the chairman should stick to selling raffle tickets and growing apples, but they were concerned that the club could never move forward with such an ego maniac as the chairman, claiming he was 'bananas'.
It's been rumoured that our very own Pembury stalwart and legend Steve Waterman has been putting in some extra hours of training to get himself as fit as he possibly can. Though this is great news for the club as Steve's eye for goal could lift the club from their current loll or his ability to read the game and break down attacks could insure that our goalkeeper needn't turn up, there is something very worrying about this extra training as the good people of Tonbridge have found out the hard way.
After the rumours started circulating that Steve had been pounding the streets around the Mecca that we call Tonbridge a member of the 'Over The Bar' news desk went to investigate. While in the Tonbridge area they tried to hunt for the goal scoring predator but could find no sign.
After asking local residents and businesses if they had seen the legend 'doing a bit' most shook their heads but we did manage to find one resident that had seen the old fox.
Phillipa Bucket of Medway Wharf recalls the incident very clearly "I was walking home from work on Wednesday (8/1/06) when suddenly I heard a panting from behind, usually I wouldn't give it a second look but I wasn't at home so it couldn't of been my boyfriend (Iva Biggin) making sweet love to me - the pounding was getting louder then suddenly as I went to look round an oldish man swept past me without giving me a second glance, all I could see in front of me was a pair of very tight lycra trousers - I know lycra, I couldn't believe it either"
Phillipa was clearly very shaken by the incident. She says she has never seen the man in Tonbridge before but has seen his mug shot in the local rag 'The Courier' in the sport section. "I did recognise him from behind, those tight cheeks I would recognise anywhere, in last weeks courier I saw a picture of a man with a lovely pair of buttocks identical to those in the lycra, he was playing football (looks like a couple of squirrels in a sack chasing a nut) " Phillipa commented.
After some investigation by the 'Over The Bar' team, it was confirmed that the man with his back appearing in the newspaper was in fact our very own living legend Steve Waterman.
Left is an example of the RASCAL pants that Steve is rumoured to have been wearing. "The trousers were extremely tight and not very appropriate for someone pounding the streets of Tonbridge in day light" Phillipa said.
In wrapping up this news item I would like to advise the legend Steve Waterman that anything he purchases in the future that me be classed as rascal clothing should be validated by other members of the club to make sure he is always dressed in the appropriate manner.
For the record
Pembury Res have never been, nor will be, nor intend to be 'thrashed'
We have been;
- overrun
- outplayed
- unlucky
- unwilling
- unable
- Once or twice this season we have been 'beaten'
We do not get thrashed, we are too perfect, we are only bottom of the league because we have so little respect for the opposition, they are all rubbish and should be thrashed regularly.
Next week we will win 24,000 - 0 and I would like a written apology from you Mr Web designer!
Thanks, A
1. A Blondie - a fair crack down the middle
2. A Mrs Patel - Not attractive but a good worker
3. Taking a Gerry ( adams ) - hitting a provisional
4. 2 shots in the bunker - a Hitler
5. An Eva Braun - picked up in the bunker
6. An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but poor result
7. A Russell Grant - a fat iron
8. A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
9. A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
10. A Rodney King - over clubbed
11. An O J Simpson - got away with it
12. A Condom - safe but did not feel good
13. A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer
14. A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
15. A Rock Hudson - Thought it was straight, but it wasn't.
16. A sister-in-law - Up there, but I know I shouldn't be
17. A Sally Gunnell - Ugly but a good runner
18. A Paula Radcliffe - Not as ugly as Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
19. A Kate Moss - A bit thin
20. A nipple licker - A shot that opens up the hole
21. A Diego Maradonna - A very nasty little five footer
22. A Ladyboy - Looks an easy hole but may not be all it seems
23. Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - Shaving the hole
First Prize - £200. 00 - Chris Lindsey
Other prizes of bottles of spirits and wine
Daniel Manktellow
Jay Manser
Matt Lawrence
Benny Turner
Daniel Manktelow
Firstly I thought you may like an update on his leg - he has had the operation and now has a pin through his leg!
He broke the tibia and fibular (or whatever its called) but he is doing well and some of your guys have been brilliant, what with visits and texts and calls (and porn, thanks for that nick cox!) so he is on the mend and hoping to make it to the xmas drinks in a few weeks!
Now onto more important things!
For all those that miss his good looks, I found a pic of him modelling Glasses (see right).
Anyway, thanks for all your support, much appreciated - we also seem to now have gained a coat, hat and someones t-shirt so i will try and return these as soon as possible!
kind regards
Kate miller
Jon's girlfriend
Comments from fellow wellwishes/footballers/supports click hereAs one of the better behaved guests at the Black Horse Christmas party I'd like to make my feelings known on the disgusting behaviour of Steve Harper. (see apologie below)
Most people who have either experienced or heard stories about Gary and Michelle's parties (no Boozer not the ones where you put your keys in a bowl!!) they can get quite rowdy at times but are always in the best possible taste. This was until Mr Harper opened his mouth and a stream vulgar expletives came out. Personally I was shocked that such a young man knew such words, his language was enough to make even the most hardened of men cringe.
Although it's unfair to make assumptions about someone on one performance I would hope Gary and Michelle think long and hard next year before handing out invitations to foul mouthed yobs
Concerned BH Guest
When logging on today, to see the latest gossip, I was somewhat disturbed to see a grovelling apology, from former Striker STEVE HARPER about his behaviour at the BH Christmas party. (See Below).
A wise old man once said there is more to people's names, than just their title. And with a little further investigation it was not long before an anagram revealed the real truth.
To Anyone who attended the Black Horse Christmas Party.
I would like to apologise for my behaviour, I understand that I was rude especially to the bar staff (not Brownie and Benny the proper Bar Staff) and shouting profanities during the Party. When I was told of these actions I laughed it off and claimed that certain people were trying to wind me up and that I wouldn't behave in such a manner especially with such lovely women present. But an acquaintance of mine informed me that a certain party-goer had recorded me on their phone and he listened to the recordings at the weekend and to my astonishment the claims were true !
My actions were totally out of character as I'm a clean cut lad who wouldn't dream of causing a scene. I do believe that my drink was spiked that evening and I may investigate this a little further. With the help of a certain couple Bear's (Big Brown & Polar) I believe we can track down the culprit and this website will be the first to know of any breaking news.
In terms of future Black Horse Christmas Parties I would like to make myself available for an invite although my actions this year may come into consideration when handing out the invite next year.
I would like to thank Gary and Michelle for an enjoyable evening and here's to future parties.
Apologies Again
Stephen Harper
AKA - Maverick
"When John Dallas said that he had been away on a "modelling" course - no-one was really suprised.
Not only has he got the name to suit all occasions:
- Football
- Porn Star
but his rugged good looks make him an absolute sure fire winner for modelling any knitting patterns, dressing gowns, Cavalry Twill trousers or medical supports.
We are slightly diappointed that cannot find any examples of his work so, if anyone sees photographs of John, in any shopping catalogue, (even Kays) we would be pleased to know."
See Brownie reply November 23nd
News has reached Over The Bar that two of our club studs (wide use of poetic licence accepted) were again in action on the ladies front last week both in totally separate incidents but both with the same end result.
The first happened on Monday of last week to our resident romeo, Liam 'Bert' Gent. Who in yet another extravagant attempt to win the heart of his 'partner', 'friend' or 'boss' - we are not sure which but if they are one and the same then Katie - took her to Bar Zero, an enticing venue constructed entirely of ice where you pay a fortune to get in and can then only stay for forty five minutes. Contrast this to Brownie who, having spent the entire day on the lash last Thursday because 'Beaujolais Nouveau est arrive', proceeded to offer his wares at a club where it's cheap to get in and then you can't get out.
Despite his clear lead on the class front Bert appeared to have lost out in the over night stakes as later that evening he was seen to depart with once again an empty wallet on the last train home to High Brooms. Brownie, however, was seen to depart the club with lady in tow back to her place.
Fortunately, however, both remain committed to this club and remembered the words of their managers who on more than one occasion have stressed to them the need for a good nights sleep in the week leading up to the big games. Bert caught up with his rest on the train - waking up at Hastings at 2.30am and having to phone his Dad to collect him. Brownie caught up with his on her sofa - waking up in the morning only to find she had given up on his advances and gone to bed much earlier.
Whilst we are sure that our readers will endorse the actions of Bert, his Dad excepted, and his dedication to the cause - Over The Bar would, however, like to remind Brownie that he is currently injured and therefore the curfew does not apply to him. This incident together with the reports of him being spotted in Bluewater on a Sunday morning shopping with a local play (or rent) boy whilst the rest of his team mates were out bracing the cold will only begin to fuel those sexuality jibes once again.
It might have seemed glamorous at the time but the recent trip to Dubai has obviously proven to be very expensive for our landlord - who was photographed last Saturday wandering round the Victoria Place precinct with a collecting box..
Pembury seems to be a hotbed for creative talent, with the recent signing of a thesbian (calm down boys that is the correct spelling) into the Saturday squad, our ranks now include Broadway star Liam "Bert" Gent and Jamie ........... professional actor.
Not to be outdone former goalscorer and Peter Crouch lookalike Stephen Harper has just started filming his big screen debut, has the floppy blonde haired Pembury reject been given the part of Rodney in the film adaptation of Only Fools and Horses, No he has won the lead role in the film version of popular 80's kids programme Worsel Gummage.
This is a big step in his career after leaving Burgess Hill FC in the summer Steph has been unable to get a regular game of football so has now on his girlfriends advice taken up acting.
Alex, his girlfriend is also in the showbiz industry and has recently been accepted as a dancer in the pantomine at the Royal Assembly Hall in Tunbridge Wells (tickets now on sale). Recent reviews of her performance have been more than complementry, with Alex saying "although I enjoy it I don't want to be typecast for the future".
Who knows where these two budding stars are going to end up but they both certainly have the acting bug and the talent to go along way.
It is obvious that people who are involved with the club are shocked and upset with the news that contract negotiations between the club and Dipsy broke down last week. It did seem that Pembury FC had pulled off their BIGGEST (literally) ever signing and that the club was going to go from strength to strength with Dipsy between the sticks.
The reason that this post has been put on the website is not because of this sad news, in fact I'm the bearer of good news as it seemed that last weeks Black Horse golf day unearthed another piece of (fingers crossed) unbelievably great news for the club, almost groundbreaking !
It seems that the club are in negotiations with, wait for it, Dipsy's older brother Tinky Winky (see picture left). As hard as it is to believe, Tinky was seen on the golf day. For the record golf doesn't seem to be his strong point as he was seen more in the woods (where a polar bear has also been sighted recently driving around in a golf buggy - BEAR IN THE WOODS !! SHOOT) than on the fairways.
But if all goes to plan and jack-one-off and crack-one-off can secure the signature of Tinky Winky, the larger than life character will be welcomed with open arms and play a pivotal role within the first team the rest of the season.
If the signing is completed I would like us all to wish Tinky all the best while at the club.
It was again rumoured that Brownie was seen drinking with a few older looking men in the Black Horse on Saturday night. Can't people see the Brown Bear needs some companions of his own age. It was also rumoured that a certain young barmaid that Brownie has been attempting seduce, received a bouquet of flowers last week, no one can trace who the sender was, if it was anyone who visits the website please let yourself be know as Brownie wants to know the phone number of the florist as he wants to send some to his favourite twins.
After the Brown Bear had finished with the old men in the pub (most notably of all Boozer, who was seen walking past the common around 11:00 with some fiiisssshhhh CHINESE) he was seen entering Davs (not Dave's, DAVS) he then proceeded to dance like Fiona Phillips and drink like George Best, while he was at the bar ordering a Stella Slim Line a cry went up from a young man in the queue "Aren't you Jake Moon from Eastenders" to which Brownie replied "Yeah who's asking"
So what we have leant from Brownie's exploits this weekend is that even though his football career may be coming to an end the bloke is still enjoying himself.
Keep up the good work Jake
See Brownie reply November 7th
It is no secret that Pembury FC first team on a Saturday is slightly struggling. But the desperate measure's that they have gone to, in an aim to start keeping some clean sheets is beyond doubt the biggest transfer coup that the club can boast today. How joint managers Dean Jack-one-Off and Phil Crack-one-Off pulled off this signing, we will never know. Was it the money ? Was it the food in the pub after a game ? The fact that the polar bear from the Coca-Cola commercials (who has been sighted in Pembury) put in a good word about the club ?
Who knows.....??
All we can say as a club, is all the best to Dipsy. Hopefully this will attract some more big names to the club and that they can go from strength to strength in the future
Above is a picture of Dipsy on his debut
Good Luck Dipsy
We can only marvel at the lengths that Liam 'Partridge' Gent has gone to recently in an attempt to win the affections of his 'partner'.
Firstly, there are the driving lessons. Liam has quickly realised that you need wheels to woo the ladies. 'You take that ex Pembury footballer with the big nose who now spends most Saturday afternoons sitting on a bench in the vicinity of Lakeside' he remarks. 'He may be right ugly but he has no trouble with the ladies. Why? Because he's got a BMW'. He's right of course but you still need to pass that all important test which may prove to be a problem for Liam - particularly as he has a problem with the dials. We fully endorse his instructors view that 30 on the rev counter doesn't mean you are going 30 mph - more like 60 mph and in a 30 mph zone try telling that to the speed cameras.
It is, however, in the dating game where Liam has stepped up a gear. Very disappointed by his aborted late night visit to the London Eye when after buying tickets for a romantic viewing of the lights over the London skyline his dream girl failed to show. Why? - because in his excitement at pulling off such a romantic rendezvous he forgot to tell her either the time or the place.
Undeterred, however, Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that Liam has spectacularly returned to favour with a night out at a West End Show. Surely not a blockbuster like Chicago, Blood Brothers, Les Miserables or Billy Elliott we hear you ask. No only Liam would go one better than that - Mary Poppins! Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious we hear you cry!
But it doesn't end there. As if that wasn't enough - Liam, henceforth to be known as Bert, actually arranged to play a lead role. Click here for proof. Chim chim cheree!
Now that surely beats a plain old bouquet of flowers Brownie!!
See Brownie reply November 7th
After stating that the sunday couple were being turned down for a game on Sunday. See Brownie reply Ocober 25th
It was noted that at about 4.00pm Saturday said Brownie was seen being courted by one of the sunday couple in a Mercedes
convertible after being ferried from Woodside to the Black Horse.
Is this we ask ourselves what is being offered to play on Sunday. A Merc. Surely not.
As an acquaintance and not friend/companion and just to put the record straight on a couple of Brownie's replies.
He has been upset by this unwanted media attention that has gathered around him recently. He has told me that he just wants to concentrate on his first full (fingers crossed) season back in the top flight and the added pressure surrounding him having no friends and eating too much will have adverse effects for not just himself but also the team.
Although it is true that nobody wants to spend time with the Big Brown Bear and he has been eating a lot of International cuisine recently (no thanks to Michelle Coldwell - see pictures below) he would like people to leave him alone and stop bullying him, in particular Boozer, who apparently comes across as a friendly loveable teddy bear but people closer to him know him as the silent assassin !
I hope people within and outside of the club listen to Brownie's plea's, so the big man can concentrate on the one thing he loves and that's football (well it's not, but for the purpose of this post, it is)
Regards Anon
p.s. If the barmaid in the Black Horse asked him to the cellar again he would say YES !
Although Frank Lampard is perceived to be the best attacking midfield player in the country at the moment, scoring spectacular goals at will but, we should not lose sight of our own free scoring midfield player, Michael "Hotshot" Brown.
The prolific Brown has now scored in every game, played on Sundays at Blantyre House.
If this scoring rate is maintained, the statisticians have calculated that Thunderboots Brown will finish the season with between 1 and 3 goals.
This strike rate makes him one of the most feared midfield players in West Kent.
His reputation now extends beyond the Kebab vans and fast food outlets where Michael's fame was established.
Now, the call goes up from opposition defences, "Stop Brownie from shooting!"
"Which one is Brownie?" someone asks.
"The one carrying the Donner Kebab with extra chilli (no salad)"
We know that Frank Lampard could not do that!!
Browny's reply to above click here Ocober 25th
Companion wanted for Saturday night entertainment. Combination of physiotherapist and chef preferred. Although given current circumstances will not be too choosy. Otherwise will have to settle for another night out with my Dad. All applications in strict confidence to Browny.
Browny's reply to above see 18th October 2005
Over the Bar can exclusively reveal that detailed negotiations have already begun between Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson, and our very own Frodo with regards to extending the blockbusting trilogy into a fourth episode. It is rumoured that the adventure will be titled 'The Journey Home' and will follow the epic journey of our very own 'Sarge' last Friday after the clubs mens evening. We cannot, of course, reveal our source but we have witnessed the script and can exclusively reveal the plot of film.
The story begins shortly after 3.00 a.m. when Frodo, having already been visited by The Ghost of Lager Past, is visited by The Ghost of Tight Arse Present. The ghost foolishly persuades him to set-off into the night so as to protect his pockets, laden with twenty £1; pieces, from the evil Men of Taxiland who were courting his business.
Whilst wandering through the village our hero is visited by a further ghost. This time The Ghost of Casualty Future who forewarns our intrepid traveller that Bill - a fast moving specimen with flashing blue eyes and a wail so loud that it would even wake Andy Mearing - was lying in wait along The Hill of Colts. This was a treacherous path that Frodo could not avoid if he was to make it home to Queen Sarah with whom he had private banking facilities.
Undeterred Frodo continued his quest. He did not fear Bill and believed that his carefully selected attire of black Mothercare party suit and hiking boots would enable him to blend into the night. Further being a member of the Little Leg Clan and a past master of crashing into things, except Sunday morning men called wingers, he knew that if Bill attacked him full on, even if he stood as upright as he possibly could, he would still pass under Bill's body and between his four round legs without injury. The only damage would be to his waxed coiffure caused by the sudden gust of wind in passing. Finally there was also the option of standing to one side and hiding under a leaf in the hedge until Bill had passed.
For a while the journey through the forest and along The Hill of Colts was most pleasant. The still of the crisp night air only broken by the short sharp gusts of The Popadom Winds - a rather strange phenomena that appears to circulate only in the vicinity of hobbits. In an instant though the silence was broken. The night light turned blue and the sound of Bill echoed down the highway. Frodo is not stupid he knew Bill was in full flight and must be avoided. He was not afraid - his little legs may not have the speed of normal man but his powers of evasion perfected by continually side stepping a bar at the home of The Great Grey Bear were second to none. As Bill flew by Frodo stepped to one side and allowed him to pass. This was a tactic that Chief Wizards Boozo and Bear had begged him to stop using in his role as guardian of the left flank at Fortress Woodside on numerous occasions. This had caused them, and their merry band of followers, many problems particularly with foreign insurgents leaving unwanted matter in their hunting nets. For once though the tactic had worked and Frodo stepped back onto the road.
Unfortunately he hadn't accounted for Bill 2 who was following in close pursuit. Bill caught him with a glancing blow and Frodo was thrown into the air. Never before had he been so high. There is life above the grass he thought - I must tell Whittaker and Wardy. With that he came crashing down to earth. It could have been serious if his head hadn't softened the blow and he lay on the frosty surface staring into space. This was a position he knew well from his frequent visits to the home of The Great Grey Bear and out of habit he called for more lager and popadoms.
By now The Army of Bill had returned to the scene of their victory and took pity on the poor hapless soul who was staring up at them - it was a scene reminiscent to a Sunday morning when the Wizards select their helpers for the day. In sympathy Bill called for a special carriage so that Frodo could be taken to the Land of the Sick where kind helpers are available to repair such injured souls. Bill thought it best to inform Queen Sarah that Frodo would be late with his deposit. This came as a shock to her as Frodo nearly always came early and she suggested that the attack may prove to be a blessing in disguise.
Having no serious wounds Frodo was soon allowed to return home. Bill even gave him a ride in his carriage to celebrate.
Frodo was happy. He had been on a dangerous and exciting adventure and survived. He had even come home in a carriage without disturbing The Men of Taxiland. Above all else he still had his twenty £1 pieces in his pocket - Frodo had triumphed again!
(Post script - For poetic licence and a happy ending the writer has chosen to ignore the fact that the cost of this adventure has so far run to one new suit, a coat and £6.40 in prescription charges.)
Hardened criminal and mouse burglar, "Titch" Marshall (23) used the old "I'm a Pembury footballer" ploy when he finally made his bid for freedom from Blantyre House on Sunday.
"Titch" (38) fooled all of the prison officers as well as the Management of Pembury Football Club (1st Team - Sundays), when blatantly lied saying "I play football for Pembury".
Even the bumbling Inspector Clousseau would have been able to see through this ruse, if he had noticed the amount of time that "Titch" ( 36 kgs ) spends on the touchline, in full football kit, actually WATCHING football, not playing.
Because of his boyish good looks, "Titch" (6ft 2ins) was able to convince all concerned that this barefaced lie was indeed the truth.
We all wish "Titch" (42ins inside leg) the best of luck for his life on the outside, and look forward to seeing the "old lag" in the Black Horse.
P.S. Has anyone seen Dave Hymers since we left Blantyre House ??
Having tasted blood from his run in with the referee in recent weeks Phil 'The Rotweiller' Craxton took his quest for justice to new heights on Sunday.
Standing on the line at Kemsing he was quick to respond when the linesman flagged a close call in favour of the home team. The Rotweiller immediately sprang forward accusing the linesman of blatant cheating.
The crowd were at first aghast before collapsing with laughter as they stepped back to reveal the identity of the linesman as our very own Mick Large.
In what can only be viewed as a return to previous hostilities - another of the Chairman's prize possessions has disappeared.
Last year it was his flask. This time the attack goes far deeper with the removal of one of his very own works of art.
The Chairman, known as Joseph within the Master Joiner fraternity, had devoted hours to the design, manufacture and installation of the masterpiece that had hitherto been located in the dressing rooms at Woodside.
When questioned 'I feel like a part of me has gone' was all that the former south London greengrocer and man whose craft has brought new meaning to DIY and 'Changing Rooms' could muster.
In the meantime if anybody could provide some information with regard to the disappearance of the lid from the net box could they contact us as soon as possible.
Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that former star striker Stove Hipper, under an alias, bombarded Sunday first team managers Boozer and Gary with text messages on Saturday night pleading with them for a game in the morning.
Unfortunately his current circumstances do not allow us such a luxury. Of course should they change, this website would be delighted to announce his return - as too would reserve team manager Andy Davis.
No, contrary to popular opinion, this does not refer to the use of the word 'football' within our name - but to the theft of paint from Woodside by the vandals who seem intent on destroying the YMCA building before we get to own it. Having recently repaired the roof, after the building had been broken into, the question was innocently raised as to whether anti-vandal paint had been re-applied to the repair. No was the curt reply - the paint has been stolen! Quite clearly despite what is says on the tin - anti-vandal paint ain't vandal proof!
It does, however, make a hard to remove nasty mess on your hands, particularly when you pick up the stick used to stir the paint pot - just ask Phil Craxton.
At some unearthly hour on the morning of Friday 11th June seventeen men committed to golfing excellence set off on the first football club golf tour to Okehampton in Devon.
The party consisting of players, officials and friends arrived at The Ashbury Hotel golf complex early to mid-morning ready for a lunch time tee-off. The first tee was pretty eventful (or not so pretty as it went) with no fewer than two-thirds of the party finding the out of bounds over a hedge tight to the left. Jason Gale, however, broke with the tradition and drilled his ball on to the green with precision. Unfortunately it was the green of the adjoining hole to the right - thankfully there were no casualties and the unfortunate victim was able to continue with his putt. This was not to be the last time that the lives of unsuspecting sportsmen were put in jeopardy by our snipers over the weekend.
Day one was won by our convivial Irishman Bill Baker whose 34 points were enough to see off the challenge of Dean Jacquin, Mick Waterman and Boozer with 33, 32 and 31 points respectively. The overall quality of the golf was, however, best explained by the longest drive competition where the prize was unclaimed because none of the seventeen either hit or reached the fairway. Nearest the pin was won by Phil Craxton who hit an unbelievable shot to the par three eighteenth. Unbelievable - not because his shot finished within a foot of the hole - but because the distance it traveled exceeded all of his other seventeen tee shots added together!
The golf, however, was soon forgotten and attention turned to the evening entertainment. After a couple of swift pints at the clubhouse the party made its way to the Manor House hotel for a quick change and dinner. Following more beer and wine all semblance of respectability was shattered with the arrival of the final two members of the party, Dave Hymers and Liam 'El Bandido' Gent. From here all sensible discussion went out of the window and the decision to hit Okehampton and visit Nero's was confirmed. Eleven brave souls went off into the night and were guided by their taxi driver to one of the liveliest pubs in the town - where on entry we out numbered the locals by four to one. Not too promising a start but there was always Nero's.
The child friendly nature of our site does not allow us to explain the lewd acts that were taken in hand and performed on the dance floor by the Okehampton fraternity that night. Suffice it to say that it was the only topic of conversation at breakfast the next morning and that 'left standing with a wigwam' became the phrase of the day.
The tee on day two was notorious for the growth that had appeared on Steve Harper's nose overnight. A large gargoyle of a lump that was discoloured and sunburnt - and the growth was certainly not much better. Sargy also learnt the benefits of always checking that your bag is fastened tightly before pulling away in your buggy as bag and clubs on the path does look rather stupid in front of an audience!
Surprisingly, given the amount of alcohol consumed by all the previous evening the scoring improved on day two. Boozer carded 40 points to win the day closely followed by Mick Waterman and 'The Nose' on 39 and 38 points respectively. Lack of sleep caused by him forgetting to re-set his alarm from the 4 a.m. required on the previous morning appeared to have blown Bill Baker's chances but the pre-tournament favourite and professional bandit elect Dean Jacquin kept himself in contention for the overall prize with another 33. Sargy took the days longest drive prize - quite remarkable given the fact that he is the only known golfer to have to stretch upwards to hit the ball off the tee - and Ian Fuller was the winner for nearest the pin.
As with the previous day, drinking began shortly after handing in the scorecards and continued into the afternoon as Euro 2004 hit the screens. Due to the early Sunday tee-off and the need for some to drive the next day there was a minor consensus for a steady Saturday evening. Unfortunately as dinner unfolded the subject of re-visiting Nero's arose. For the converts the pull was too great and for some of the sceptics the curiosity too strong. So once again, despite their better judgement, a party of poor souls led by their very own Frodo set off into the night.
I am pleased to say that they all returned home safely that night with further tales to tell of togas, fighting brides, ugly women and young golfers taking their dads out. Amongst the strange experiences was a chance meeting with a clairvoyant who claimed to predict a persons name and occupation. You can guess the reaction - but when Sargy was correctly diagnosed as a postman - albeit in a previous life - a sense of respect was aired. This was, however, the only correct guess that took place - however the naming of The Nagle as 'Stan' was surely close enough!
The final round of golf began in the same chaos as the others. Stan crashing his buggy as he sought a quick getaway after trashing his tee shot. Uninjured he dismounted, hurled abuse and marched off up the fairway leaving the buggy behind - only the timely intervention of the Chairman who drove the buggy on and then had to walk back to the tee prevented a major incident. The leading four contenders were last off - Boozer, Mick Waterman, Dean Jacquin and 'The Nose' - and it wasn't long before Jacquin, the resident professional, had clawed back his deficit and stormed into an unassailable lead. In fairness his golf that morning was fantastic (scoring 49 points) and he would have won even if he had played off his correct single figure handicap. The Nose stayed within him for a while but tailed off over the closing holes to finish the weekend in second place. Boozer came home in overall third with Liam Gent in fourth. Steve Waterman took the final longest drive prize and quite fittingly nobody won the nearest the pin
A great deal of thanks must go to Sargy for organising a great weekend.
It is best summed up in one word by Stan - 'Fantastic'!
Most of the Award Winners celebrated their triumphs in the usual manner.....filling their cups with various alcaholic beveridges and passing the drink to as many players as possible. I have to report that one of the award winners broke with tradition, filled his cup with Viagra and consumed the lot himself. Thereafter, no-one was safe. He was on a mission. It was so bad that I personally saw the hotel duty manager smuggling his pet cat "Tibbles" out of the hotel under a blanket, just to keep her out of danger. Do not be suprised if, in 9 months time, there are a few small babies, looking like a small midfield player to be seen in Pembury.
On the day that Sven was announcing his commitment to England shockwaves were reverberating around Pembury
regarding the future of Saturday 1st team manager Ian Ward.
It had started off as a usual Sunday morning,
Marshall was late, Craxton was searching the house to see where he had put the previous nights Chinese and
the Sunday Reserves had turned up at Woodside for an away fixture, when Deano turned up at the ground and
asked if anybody had seen the billboard outside the village newsagents. Not prepared to act on hearsay,
Over The Bar immediately sent a reporter to the scene to discover the truth. As you can see left the evidence
is self-explanatory. Chairman Robin Turner, of South East London origin and greengrocer stock,
immediately announced that any decision on Wardy's future would not be made until the end of the
season and that the person seen leaving his house late on Wednesday evening just happened to be a
good friend. He insisted that a full investigation would be made into the how the leak had occurred.
Wardy was unavailable for comment when Over The Bar visited his house as his girlfriend was out and he couldn't
reach the door handle. As further news develops we will keep you posted.
1st
2nd
The final of the Loafers Quiz 2004 took place in The Black Horse on Friday.
This years winners were 'The Iceman Returns'
who beat last years winners 'Good Riddance Houllier' on a tie-break after the scores were level after seven
tight rounds. Dad's Army claimed third place from Fubar 2 also after a tie-break. The final placings and
full list of scores for the final out of a maximum of 144 points were:
1. The Iceman Returns 128
2. Good Riddance Houllier 128
3. Dad's Army 124
4. Fubar 2 124
5. Not Arsenal Again 119
6. The Real Deal 116
7. Dean Friedman R.I.P. 113
8. Monkfish III 112
9. Flat's 102
10. Pheasant Pluckers 98
11. Outcasts 91
The four weeks of quiz were a great success and over £1000 was raised for club funds.
Rumours are abound that the Maestro (Kevin Waterman ex Director of Tournaments (U9s)) is to grab one of the last two sponsorship forms for the Hospice in the Weald Marathon run next year 2004. The site will be endeavouring to find out from Kevin at the Pembury Athletic Managers meeting on Monday 15th December exactly whether the rumours are true and how much he intended to raise for sponsorship WATCH THIS SPACE.
When approached and questioned Kev looked a little shocked his secret was out. He simply replied No he was not doing it and if he was quote you would have to sponsor me for a £1000
looks like the gauntlet has been thrown down ladies and gentlemen. Whos going to be the first to sign that sponsorship form
In a remarkable show of honesty, (some may say naivety), young A team starlet Lewis Drury, henceforth to be referred to as 'sprout', responded in accordance with the true club spirit of integrity when questioned by Phil 'The Rotweiler' Craxton as to why he had missed training the previous week. Without any consideration as to the consequence of his response the young lad replied 'I couldn't my mum made me eat my dinner'.
Whilst this excuse will certainly take some beating this year it does raise a more serious issue.
Whilst the selection committees do admit to at first collapsing with laughter they would also like to stress to all of the impressionable youngsters within club of the need for them to eat their greens if they are not to grow up as physically deficient short arses. Both Sargy and Andy Whittaker have endorsed this view and only wish they too had received this advice at an early age.
In its first news snippet of the new season Over The Bar can exclusively reveal the name of Andy Davis' serial stalker. Whilst the Sunday Reserves manager - (formerly very successful) - has kept the matter private it is known that the steady stream of roses, chocolates and poems were very harrowing for him and have undoubtedly reflected in his teams poor start to the season - (Chairman's vote of confidence awaited).
Fortunately for the club at last the stalker has made a serious mistake and sent his latest love message by text on his mobile. We do not feel the need to reveal the full content of the text but suffice to say it ended 'I love you xxx'.
The stalker on realising his error immediately tried to rectify matters by phoning his manager and trying the old cover up line of 'Did you just receive a text message? I think I sent it to you instead of my girlfriend.'
Nice try Mr Tasker (Aus to his friends) - we've got your number!