Now I've tried all the normal approaches
All the pick-ups and chat-ups and stuff
Tried me hand at so-phistication
With some girls who were nothing but rough
I've been seen down the discos and dances
Bought drinks for them as they were broke
In my quest for the perfect companion
Who'd see me as her perfect bloke.
I've dealt with the best dating agents
I've filled in their forms and told lies
About how I'm just like a male model
With tight buttocks and blue eyes
I've squandered my wages on chatlines
Spent two quid a minute on the phone
Where I've ended up gagging for Charleen
Even though she ways thirty-two stone.
Dear Santa, please bring me a woman
For some fun in my twenty-fourth year
Let's forget all the monogrammed hankies
All the socks and the chocs and the beer
You could leave a fun lovin floozie
Or a perfectly sweet English rose
And what would be quite stonkin is a lass who loves bonkin
Now I really would like one of those.
Please bring me a gorgeous woman
A partner, a pal and a mate
I can take for a romp in the boudoir
Without having the need to inflate
Perhaps I should spare you the detail
But a sessions got nothing to enthral
When your off to bed with a bike pump
And a puncture repair kit and all.
Please bring me a caring woman
Cos I know I've gone past me prime
But I'm sure I can still do the business
If I see my physio in time
I won't pester that's a promise
You wont hear me again, not one squeak
So Santa, please bring me a woman
An a fresh one each night of the week.
Please please help me.