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Yes, you are right, I did score a hat trick on Saturday but my natural modestly has forbidden me to talk about it to anyone.
In fact I have talked to almost 300 people so far, where I have made a special point of insisting that they not plug me for more information about my fine, glorious, hat trick.
Saying that, I understand that you are only here to report the news, in glorious pink green and orange Technicolor (what are those colours all about!). And need some sort of guidance when you finally get round to writing the 86 or so match reports that appear to be missing on the website.
Once again there appears to be a bit of confusion about what actually happened so I have given the incorrect versions and my own (lets face it, the guy with the best view!) to help things out.
according to short sighted www.ankers
Miss hit cross
Extremely dodgy pen
Fluky wind swept free kick
according to majestic right wingers
35 yard chip
Arrogant, cheeky, self mocking, pen
Quality of Opposition
according to short sighted www.ankers
Worst goalkeeper to bless Woodside since Andy Whitiker borrowed Daniel Manktelows glasses
according to majestic right wingers
Made to look average
... OK, shite, but they all need burying!
Quality of Turner display
according to short sighted www.ankers
First touch of a rapist
according to majestic right wingers
Confirming his place as the clubs premium streaky, right winger
... OK, shite, but "I JUST LIVE TO SCORE GOALS!"
If it isn't my next e-mail will never get through the ICRA internet content standards!
Ed to Reply
You had it coming
Euphoria has died down, I can now walk out of my front door and I've reeled the Doris back from house hunting in Milan ...
Yes oh internet nerd! Coming as no shock to the learned football brains but as a complete disaster to games masters and readers of 'My PC' in single bars across the country, Ali Turner has once again waltzed in another clinical Linaker-esq strike.
Met by screams of appreciation from the sideline (from all except 'red card shame' Brownie) who feasted on fine tea from a mysterious aluminium flask and sang jingle bells in celebration!
Again, I ask for no plaudits, merely the grace of the Ed to admit that every attack on brave Sir Al is met by a Beckham like drive to overcome the critics and rise to glory.
PS. I'd also like to add at this point that showing similar mental strength (albeit a lack of physical presence) Ben Turner also notched for the Saturday first team whilst facing similar pressures. Could it be that the sons of the Chairman are finally rising phoenix like from the flames or are our cries for attention well and truly out done by a need to retrieve a poxy flask?
Good to hear from you at last. I thought that, given the delay, you had decided that tap ins from a foot were not worthy of your usual hysteria. How mistaken I was! - I should have known by now that all 'frustrated forwards' need to take the glory whenever they can.
As always I've researched the goal from the most reliable of sources and the chief debate has been as to whether you were six or nine inches off the line when the ball struck you. I must say that the consensus was for six. The other point of discussion was as to how you managed to pierce the apparent magnetic field of the centre circle that normally curtails your runs on a Sunday morning. You will recall that the Home Office did study videos of your runs when investigating the source of crop circles - although to be fair they did reject the suggestion when they realised that the circles were in fact too big for you. In the end the consensus on this issue was that you were probably still warming up when the ball hit you unaware that the game had actually started. This probably explains why Gary Manser was so lonely for the first twenty minutes.
I am delighted to see that your brother has also notched recently. It is in all honesty really nice to report on the success of the clubs former youth policy. Both John Mack and Phil Craxton fondly remember the time that they persuaded you both to abandon the market garden culture that your father was cajoling you in to at weekends with the promise of wealth, health and flasks. OK so you have never quite reached the prominence of a Harper, Brown, Lindsey, Mbala, Rice-Tucker or Nagle (Benny - we accept that you have been injured) - other youngsters whose names trickle off the tongues of the followers of this great club. Nevertheless you should be proud to have broken from the shackles of manning mobile fruit stalls and pursuing the patrons of salad bars. All we can say is stick with it - you will get better - you can always go back to the family business when all else fails.
On the matter of Brownie - he would like it made clear that he was not red carded at Kemsing. He claims that the referee merely approached him for allegedly shouting abuse in his direction. After much discussion he states that the referee quite rightly concluded that it was physically impossible for Brownie to raise his voice to the level where he could possibly have been heard by him. Apparently the reason why the discussion took so long was that Brownie had left his megaphone at home and the referees lip reading was not up to speed.
Loafers Quiz Final
A good night was had by all at the Black Horse on Friday when the final of this years Loafer Quiz took place. The quiz was very close throughout with only ten points separating all the teams at half time and only five points separating the top five going into the last round. In the end 'What are we called then' captained by Garry Knight won the title who are shown victorious after the event.
The prize winning teams were:
1st What are called then - (Garry Knight) 126 points
2nd And then there was Phil - (Phil Craxton) 121 points
3rd Dean Friedman fan club - (Steve Waterman) 120 points
Dillbillies - (Gary Coldwell) 120 points
Well done to all players, officials and friends who supported the event which raised just under £900 for the club.
Love that the goal scorer of the winning goal for the Saturday 1st against the might of Oakwood on the 28th Sept. was none other than the grande fromage Chairman himself, whilst his 'fringe player' sons looked on from the bench / crowd.
I'd like to think this was a typo but nothing the old boy does now seems to shock me, perhaps he aged somewhat after the flask was stolen?
PS. I happened to score a magical goal at the weekend, please ensure the match report is correct, a few ins and outs to help you out...
Salmon like header
Ghosting majestically in front of the goalkeeper
Capped an all round mesmerising display
The scorer was Benny Turner
One of six other goals
PSS. I trust the match report will be on soon, I have asked the majority of my work colleagues to keep an eye on the site, first one back gets the afternoon off.
Senior Account Manager
Many thanks for your E-mail. It was nice to hear from you again - is it really that long since your last goal?
In response to your comments I too wondered about the source of the goal scorer at Oakwood. So much so that I phoned Oakwood for a description. They reliably informed me that the scorer did have hair, did not look like a scientist, was able to extend himself beyond walking pace and was not clinging to a flask in an aggressive manner. From that I was happy to confirm Russell Turner as the scorer. To avoid confusion I did want to include, in this instance, the christian name as well as the surname in the table but your Chairman was most insistent (threats of horses heads etc - you know the South London greengrocer bit) that only initials plus surname was used. I don't know why - something about not wanting people to think his name was Russell or something but it was lost on me.
With regard to your goal I haven't received a match report this week but have managed to contact your manager by phone. He told me that it was an excellent team performance with great finishes by Chris Mearing and Callum Mansfield in the first half with further goals from Oz Tasker (2) and Tim Marshall. Unfortunately he couldn't remember the third goal but thinks that Tundo may have got the final touch. In an effort to jog his memory I mentioned you and also your 'ins' to which he replied.
Magical - he did recall you disappearing a lot.
Salmon like header - should be head like a salmon.
Ghosting majestically in front of the keeper - he couldn't recall you ever getting back for a corner.
Classy finish - finished maybe, classy never.
Capped an all round mesmerising display - agreed that your performances often leave him astounded.
Anyway it was nice to hear from you again. I eagerly await your next goal - in the meantime have a nice Christmas.
Chairmans New Year Address
It is, at this time of year, the Chairman usually wishes seasons greetings and good cheer for the forthcoming new year to all officers, players and friends of Pembury Football Club.
However, this year I would like to break with tradition and say:-
Some B*stard has nicked my flask !!!
This f*!^$ing serious.
If it is not returned in the near future, not only will we cancel all football matches but, match fees will also be doubled.
Everyone knows what it looks like.
Nuclear powered, Stainless steel and titanium.
P.S. Volunteers are required to harvest the rice crop at Woodside.
Lamp shades may be worn on the head for that Oriental look.
Ian Ward in new business venture.
In an unprecedented attempt to help out a club official, 'Over The Bar' has agreed, for a small fee, to let Wardy use the site to promote his new service. It is understood that the hard up school teacher is struggling desperately to make ends meet to pay for his much needed groin operation and forthcoming marriage and has accordingly had to take up a part-time decorating job, hence his non-appearance at the game on Saturday. Despite the rumours Ian would like to make it known that no job is too big and that he does have his own set of ladders should the work involve anything higher than the skirting board. We wish him well in this new venture.
Andy Lindsey is German.
At long last 'Over The Bar' has the evidence to prove conclusively that Andy Lindsey is German. For months the strategic placement of his towel over his changing area, his love of sausages and lager together with his funny shaped helmet has given rise to rumour and suspicion that all was not well. Now, however, the official programme footage shown below clearly confirms our thoughts. Little did we know, however, that he was a full international. We are also pleased to confirm that Christian Ziege is happy to continue to deputise for Andy whilst he is away on international duty.
C. Ziege A. Lindsey
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE CHAIRMAN
Despite a string of less than favourable results at various levels in the football club the chairman would like it to be known that he has every confidence in the management skills of Tim Nagle, Andy Rice-Tucker, Andy Whittaker, Nick Sargent and Stephen Harper.
(note to self....must try to cut down on these drugs)
Should these managers need any help at all the chairman will be willing and even happy, to put his hand in his pocket.........and leave it there.
Any other pastoral assistance can be sought from our most understanding of chairman (and he does know a very speedy, extremely experienced, utility player who has his own boots.......although not his own teeth, hair or marbles)
However, there are some managers whose positions within the club could become untenable for a number of reasons.
It's that self satisfied smug look that we all see on the faces of certain managers which is causing some concern.
Did we not prefer Phil (13 points maybe 16 points) Craxton last year when his team went into February with 6 league points ?? (furrowed brow and drunken hair )............and his assistant Ian Ward has been making demands on the club which could seriously jeopardise his future.
Ian has been afforded all of the big company benefits with which his position deserves, but he demands more...........the last straw came with his totally unreasonable demand for vinegar on the post match chips !!!
(Despite the fact that this would upset one of our injured, under-tall, ex-Bulgarian players.) Andy (Quiet Man) Davis has also been sharing his time between accruing points for the Sunday Reserves and smiling like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.
Just watch it, Davis......we think we know what we think you're thinking.
(Have boots - will travel)
(Deceptive pace - considerably slower than he looks)
(Left or right side - Has a boot to suit either.)
(Available Saturday afternoons, Sunday mornings, Bank Holidays, Christmas and Yom Kippur)
(Can pay match fees)
Rather large man seen outside UNWINS Pembury....
Residents of Pembury were very upset and worried after a man was seen slumped up against Unwins window, late Saturday night...
A local resident gave the local police a description of the man involved, Very chubby, short light brown hair, could be blonde, He said the man involved was not of the sporting nature and very unfit.
If anyone has seen a man of this description please contact the local football club as this person needs serious help in getting fit.
It has been rumoured that the man in question looked like Benny Turner!!! Jason Gale.
Cummings does it for Europe
The secret tactic that won the Ryder Cup for Europe is out and Over the Bar is pleased to report that the real hero was none other than our very own Steve Cumings. Ever since Sam Torrance spotted his potential at our club golf day he had been working on a cunning plan to get Steve in to the side. It all fell in to place when he noticed the canny resemblance of Steve to Irish star Paul McGinley. There was only one problem - the height. McGinley previously a six footer was mysteriously flown to an overseas hospital from where he returned two feet shorter - the cloning process was over. On the final Sunday with McGinley playing the vital singles and in the deep rough the plan was actioned. With both men hidden by the tall grass the switch was made with Steve donning the plus fours and McGinley the orange number nine. The rest is history.
The exclusive pictures below show Steve enjoying a well earned pint after the event and McGinley posing in that famous shirt. Nice putt Steve!
Ian Ward latest
The latest report on Ian's health is he can now talk at a pitch that if you are within 3 feet of him you can hear. Decibel level to be confirmed.
Lathan - Whittaker head to head
Martin Latham "expert on everything" proved his worth when matched against "expert on everything else" Andy Whittaker. Only the referee had the knowledge of how to divide this confilict of football intelligence by telling them both to shut the **** up please, they don't know a thing, and if only they would play for different sides. Martin and Andy still remain correct.
Andy Lindsey a 'pane' at Blantyre
In what was viewed as a deliberate act of vandalism Andy 'Ave It' Lindsey sent the match ball through the greenhouse at Blantyre House on Sunday. His apparent lack of remorse over the incident was severely frowned upon by all and the clubs hierarchy have sentenced him to the loss of all privileges and one weeks solitary confinement for changing and showering.
Chairman in throwing fiasco!
The Black Horse was stunned on Sunday lunchtime when news filtered through that our Chairman, Robin Turner, had twice been found guilty that morning of illegal throwing. Immediately some of this seasons dodgy results came into question with Phil 'the Rotweiller' Craxton ready to go for the throat.
Questions began to circulate as to when and from whom the bungs had been received. The south London connections, suave gear, playboy cars, round the world trips for the kids and occasional foray to the bar were by now being considered and unfortunately appeared to lead to one inevitable conclusion. It wasn't until fellow playboy Mark Files intervened to explain that the problem was foul throw ins not throwings that order was finally restored.
The club immediately issued a statement delivering the facts and stating that Robin would be attending a course of training to remedy the fault. Andy Davis has offered to stand the cost himself if the course could be lengthy and take place on Sunday mornings.
GOOD NEWS FROM MARSHALL ON INJURY FRONT
There was positive news over the weekend on the fitness of star striker and city playboy Tim Marshall who declared that his injury appeared to mending well and that he fully expected to be available for the Senior Cup final should we make it.
MANNERS MAKETH MAN
At Pembury Football Club, we have always prided ourselves in maintaining the highest standards of good manners and decorum so, it was with great alarm, that certain members of the club witnesed 1st team manager, Phil Craxton, viciously launch an unprovoked attack on an innocent piece of 5-layer marine plywood after a Pembury goal had been disallowed by referee, Ray Charles, during the game away at Pheonix Sports.
Fortunately, Phil preserved the good name of our club later on in the game when he approached the aforementioned piece of timber...........and apologised to it.
Has anyone noticed the uncanny resemblance of Nicolas Anelka to our very own Steve Lindsay ???
Just compare the smiles........it is scarry.
Has anyone seen Steve on Saturday afternoons when his other self is turning it on for Kevin Keegan and the good people of Maine road ??
Has anyone seen Steve play on Sunday mornings when, the supposed Anelka, is never seen ??
No, you are right..............they are definately not the same player.
Nobody likes to talk about peoples personal problems but, I am sure that, everyone knows that Ian Ward is going into hospital for surgery in the Calvin Klein department.
Will this surgery be conducted by a check-shirted lumberjack wielding a large chain-saw, or will it need keyhole surgery performed with a microscope and laser scalpel ???
What will be the length of Ian Ward's scar ???
Sweepstake tickets will be available soon.
Impartial judging will be carried out by Paula and Charlie at the Black Horse.